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Jane L.
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One Part Suffers, Every Part Suffers
by Emily Garwood (Age: 21)
copyright 09-23-2007


Age Rating: 16 to 127

 
12:12 -31 (26) corinthians pg. 411

"if one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it."

~@

Everyday my body suffers damage,
Very little pain, for great feeling,
Relif, of my bottled emotions,
I smile a second knowing i'm free.
Then I watch my eyes,
Darkening like the thunder brewing.
The inside fading to darkness,
There's nothing left.
Maybe just a hollow soul waiting to break.
Just letting the trouble fill me up,
And tip me over until I can't stand.
Tell me why I live a double life?
One by day, and one by night.
By night my heads messed up, and i'm ready to cut,
So I talk it out, and by morning it's all ok,
But you two are there to change that.
"Shout again please,
Just remind me i'm not good enough"!
Maybe you can read this,
Tell yourselves i'm lying, but inside I know,
Just how you make me feel, me cry, me want to die.
Maybe this will hurt,
And maybe it won't.
But if you're wondering why this is all in one piece,
It's only because, you're never-ending problems.
Tell me off for being on late,
Can I tell you off for driving me insane?
Day and night, i'm under your feet,
Only to be forever worthless by your books.


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09-28-2007 Frank Fields    

The beginning starts out very well--dramatically, with a lot of emotion, and a sense of anticipation. About halfway through, it starts to become less coherent. The development isn't consistent with the beginning and with the skill level that you've shown with other works. There are many spelling errors and punctuation errors that if they were tidied up, your write would have a smoother flow. I noticed that previously this help has been offered, so for me to list them all wouldn't be helpful. If you would like me to help you edit this piece, I will. Not to change it, just to tidy up some spelling and grammar. It's difficult to critique a piece that deals with this problem on a personal level, and every sympathy is certainly extended with a hope that 3 years later, some peace has come into your life. Thank you for sharing.

Frank :)
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05-17-2004 Andrea Jeanette DiGiantomasso    

i love the biblical reference; i've been doing a study of corinthians, mostly to shoot down my Bible teacher and his biased stuck-up-ness, but YAY! I love it. I agree with Debra. Good piece, a couple errors, but easily fixed
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