A sailor moon christmas story ( chibi chibi is in it)
by
Lauren T.
(Age: 14)
copyright 12-06-2003
Age Rating: 4 to 127
Picture Credits:
Serena- Hi Lita! Have you came for our christmas party ?
Lita- Of corse I wouldn't miss it and I came early so I can start baking and cooking for dinner.
( Knock on door)
serena- That must be Mina!
( Serena rushes to the door )
Mina- I brought the tinsle
( mina puts a lot of tinsle on the floor)
Chibi chibi-Rerena (serena)! Look at that! Look at that!
( Lita and Amara carry a huge tree inside)
Chibi chibi- Mara (amara)! is that our cwistmas tree?
Amara- yes chibi chibi, but isn't it time for your nap?
Serena - oh yeah let's go upsairs
Chibi chibi - NO! Don't want to NOOOO!! you can't make Me! NO!
Serena- If you don't obey me santa won't give you a gift.
Chibi chibi - Ok
( Rini and Hotaru come in as snow is falling)
Hotaru- thank you Raye for letting us play in the snow!
Rini- Serena, are the cookies in the oven yet?
Lita- nope ,but you can help cut them.
( rini and hotaru run into the kitchen)
Amy- Serena, did you get the lights yet ?
Serena- Yeah, don't worry so much.
michele- Let's start decorating.
Trista- That's what I was going to say!
( every one decorates the tree)
( Later Chibi chibi comes down the stairs)
Chibi chibi- WOW! Pretty!
Every one has a good christmas that christmas eve.
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Greetings. I will comment on it to the best of my ability. Like those before me have said, the length of this story is a major liability. It is simply too short and seems to be in need of lengthening and polishing. I do not know if you intend to pick this up again or not, but I am sure a few people out there would be willing to wait for an improved version of this.
I also noticed that some of the names are not capitalized (Like Michelle or the second half of Chibi-Chibi). If you are not familiar with my comments, I have taken rigorous high school and college English classes, so I am fairly quick to point out grammar errors and whatnot. Also I noticed a couple of places that need commas, like "Lita- Of course I wouldn't miss it and I came early so I can start baking and cooking for dinner." It should be " Lita- Of course I wouldn't miss it, and I came early so I can start baking and cooking for dinner. "
On the plus side, this has a lot of potential. Since I am a writer of fanfiction myself, I like to see others develop their works and become better writers. Like Raycel M. said, this would be a cute story if it were improved upon and lengthened. Like I said earlier, I don't know if you intend to pick this up again. But if you ever do, this is a modest piece of advice to get you started. Whatever you decide to do, keep writing and don't give up.
i loved this little story! you should have made it a short story instead of a moon note so everyone could recommend it! chibi-chibi is the CUTEST lil' thing! i luv the pic, too!
Welcome !
