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(This is pretty long)I thought about it and I was actually in the shower by 10:30 not 11. Sorry
I sat back on the shower floor thinking my morbid thoughts
Scorching water pouring down on me like my realization and over-whelming emotion
Realization that I had lied to you
Realization of mistaken words spoken
Emotion of guilt and black hatred
Guilt of lieing
Guilt of saying that I never said loved him
Guilt of lieing to you my beautiful one
Hatred towards myself
Hatred towards the thoughts in my head
Hatred to the words that are within me
I so wish I could take them back
I wish I could change what happened
But I can patch up the the wounds that I have made
Even if they heal, the scar will still be there
I hovered on the shower floor on my knee's crying
Repeating I'm sorry to you but to no one
I saw the razor sitting on the shelf over-head
Trying to runaway from thoughts of passing addictions
Black and red make-up down my cheeks
From burning water and bloody tears of regret
Giving into the devil's bitter sweet convincing words
Betraying myself once again but deserving it this time
Kneeling on my bed dripping wet
Pressed agaisnt the right in hesitation
Crying the way I haven't since months of mid-summer days
The seclusion of my room and locked door
I take a lash and eleven more
Tears falling faster and harder mixing with blood
Blood running faster than my tears, hitting the old stained floor
New blood drips on top of the old
Switch hands, breaking the left's skin and then seven more times
Deeper and faster life flows
But this time the pain didn't go away prior to past years
Crying harder willing the sorrow away
Balling my fists, rocking back and forth, blood streaming off my wrists
Saying I'm sorry, asking why, repatative words in mode
Tourniquite my arm, I don't want to die I just want the answer to why
I wanted to call you and confess the hidden words and beg for forgivness
12:47am it's too late to call
I found out the hard way that I think I really do love you
Young and nieve, tangled emotions, I know the sayings
But I have never felt this way over a mere lie
What can you say to that???????
Still crying, Can you forgive me?I understand if you don't
I don't I wouldn't forgive me because I don't right now
Do you still want me in your arms
How could you? I don't want me in my body
Too upset, I won't be able to go to school this morning
Asphixiated on how I'm going to tell you
Tell you that I lied to your beautiful face
Let you know how horrible I am
So disgusted
What happens from here, the rest is up to you
To make this even harder on me I'll tell you to your face
But I want you to know that I love you, don't love me back
I do not deserve it
I never wanted to hurt you, but I did and I'm sorry
1:28am I'm exhausted from pain and guilt
Clean up this crimson mess and hid the marks with sweat bands
Go to bed and sleep until 8pm when you get home from work
Dream of the words that I need to tell you
Call you over and tell you
And then you can write the end of our story....
Or let it "to be continued..."
It's up to you and all your choice, I can deal
No matter the hurt, I'm telling you
And I'm sorry, sorry for all of this
I'm a screw up
I love you and I'm sorry
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