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On Line
Richard Reed Jr
Lyle Berry
Sofia Martins
Rahmi Safitri
4 Writers

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4 Members
56 Guests

~*Forever*~
by Lisa Anderson (Age: 18)
copyright 05-10-2004


Age Rating: 13 to 127

 
It's sad today,
That I know someday,
We'll never be together,
It's sad to say,
That I know that we,
Will never be forever,
Only miles measured in lengths,
Are keeping us apart,
I hope that you are feeling too,
This feeling in my heart,
Never a letter,
Never a call,
Have you forgot it all?
I know you know,
It just won't show,
Maybe for forever,
These long years will soon be gone,
I'll see you once again,
This big forever now has passed,
Too bad it was so long!




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06-22-2005 Roger Crique    

I think this poem is quite beautiful and sad at the same time. Lisa, you used great sentences to tell what your heart was feeling. Nothing lasts for ever and neither does heartache. I think you put this concept quite nicely.

Roger
11-15-2004 Brittney N. N.    

Very nice, I once had that happen to me. It's quiet sad really.
04-06-2004 Joan Jotz    

Ok Lisa,
This needs a bit of cleaning up. It's a very espressive and sad piece, but I think it could use more "soul". My suggestion for you. (to use or not) I'm keeping to your words and thoughts, just changing a word here and there. See what you think:
"I'm sad today, (take out 'it's)
I know that we
Will never be together.

I'm sad to say,(again, remove 'it's.)
I know that we
Will never be forever."

You have a good rhyming scheme going on, but it almost gets lost inbetween the words. A little polish, fewer words, more passion...this will be great!!!

~*~Jon~*~
03-13-2004 Adela Ruiz    

(In the 9th line perhaps tpp should be too?) Other than that i think the work is pretty good a little touching up but it has good bones:)
03-13-2004 Sammy A.    

That was really good! I liked it a lot! keep it up!
Visitor Reads: 693
Total Reads: 714
Comments: 5

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