Real life
The big news (Work in progress)
by
Toni Sweeney
(Age: 21)
copyright 03-16-2004
Age Rating: 10 to 127
Tina woke up to the song "I love you this much" playing on the radio. "Yay, this will be a good day," Tina said looking out the window of her room. It was a nice sunny day out and the birds were out chirping. "It has been a long time since we have had a nice day like this," she said to her mom that was walking in to make sure she was awake.
"Yes I know it will be nice to have a sunny day. I am getting tired of all this rain we have been getting," her mom said.
"Now hurry up downstairs breakfast is almost ready" her mom continued.
"Ok, be there in a second or two" Tina said.
5 minutes later:
"Good morning dad, How did you sleep" Tina said.
"I actually slept very well" Tina's dad said.
"What is wrong?" Tina asked her dad.
"Nothing, why would you even say anything is wrong?" Tina's dad replied.
"Daddy I can tell something is wrong. You looked worries and scared." Tina said.
"Well ok I will tell. I was going to tell you tonight but you have caught me" Tina's dad said.
"Well come on what is it" Tina said
"For four months I will not be here" Tina's dad said.
"WHAT!!! Where will you be?" Tina yelled.
"Calm down Tina. I am going to Germany. I got the assignment yesterday" Tina's dad said.
"When are you leaving?" Tina said calming down.
"In two days," Tina's dad said.
"IN TWO DAYS, YOU ARE LEAVING IN TWO DAYS. NO YOU CAN NOT GO. PLEASE DADDY DON'T GO." Tina yelled.
"I have no choice Tina. I have to go. I'm sorry I really don't want to go." Tina's dad said.
Then don't go. Stay here" Tina said starting to cry.
"I can't stay. You better get going the bus will be here soon. We will talk about this later okay." Tina's dad said.
"Ok, but we better talk about this later." Tina said walking out the door.
"Have a good day sweetie. See you later." Tina's dad said.
"I'll try to. Bye I love you." Tina said closing the door.
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I don't know if you plan to finish this or not. My guess is, after 2+ years, probably not. But just in case you ever did, I agree with Leigh, on the fixings. There was a lot of punctuation missing. But I think the story could be good.
Not too bad. Fix grammar, spelling, add spaces, punctuation, nix caps, make then exclamation points and question marks, and add some descriptions and you'll have something. Better than before, but still needing improvements. And it's a bit on the small side, You don't go into enough detail. What does everyone look like? How old is Tina? What kinda of life does she have? Where does she live? What kind of place is it? What is her personality? Ask yourself these questions and then submit the answers by stately slipping them into the story. I could help you design your own characters and such, if you wanted any help. Oh, and you can lower the age rating a bit. Overall, good work. A nice sad start too, I hope to see more soon.
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