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All I want is you
by Paul Kangas (Age: 18)
copyright 03-16-2004


Age Rating: 7 to 127

 
When you look at me theres just so much that you don't see but if you open your heart with time I know you would fine time to take me in your arms, and hold me tight, kiss, hug, hold, laugh and cry.
I just feel so alone, hurt inside. You ignore me, act like Im not here with you, but in the end all I want is to be with you, and if I come to you, you just run away. I know you see the hurt in me, Instead of listening to your heart, you do what your told. Whats the sense, offinding your dream, without someone else? Tell me how you want me to be, tell me you love me, tell me that you want to be with me, so will you stay, or will you dissapear into the darkness, running away from the truth? Please Don't. Only if you knew how much I loved you, Only if you knew how muched I cried over you. All i want is to run to you, hold you in my arms, and stay forever in your heart?




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03-18-2004 Joan Jotz    

Paul,
Now this piece needs some work. Your thoughts are laid out fairly well, but the long, continuous lines take away from the flow and mood of the piece. Clean it up a bit, find some form for this...try breaking up into stanzas.

"When you look at me there's just so much
You don't see, but if you open your heart,
With time, I know you would
Take me in your arms,
And hold me tight;
Kiss, hug, hold, laugh and cry."

This needs some form for the reader to relate.
Also clean up spelling errors throughout the piece.
Keep working, this will be good!!

**Joan**
Visitor Reads: 471
Total Reads: 484
Comments: 1

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