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On Line
Richard Reed Jr
Sofia Martins
Rahmi Safitri
3 Writers

Konrad Jacek Kantorowski
1 Free Members

4 Members
51 Guests

Darkness Around
by Madeline C.
copyright 05-23-2004


Age Rating: 10 to 127

 
(I was sad at the time I wrote this.Boy,did I exagerate this one...)

Darkness around
It swallows my sight
and hearing
I'm scared
But at peace
My Heart is taking control
I can't break away
Its my own war

Darkness around
I can't break
the chains
that enclose my heart
There is somthing wrong
I feel it
Surrounding me
Burrowing me in lonliness

Darkness around
Am I going Mad?
Is it all an illusion?
Or just a game?
I'm scared now...
Please,someone love me...
Don't me drown in darkness...




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04-06-2004 Toni Sweeney    

I love you!!! :)
04-04-2004 Joan Jotz    

Hi Madeline,
No, this isn't exaggerated, at least I don't think so. Sometimes strong emotions give you the best ideas!!
You really ned to put in lots of punctuation, though.
And hearing. (period)
I'm scared, (comma)
But at peace. (period)
Etc., etc., throughout the piece.

Also I like how you start each section with "Darkness around", so you should put a space between each verse so the reader knows where you're going.

It's a good, strong piece of writing, just need to accent the pauses with punctuation.

~*~Joan~*~
Visitor Reads: 480
Total Reads: 492
Comments: 2

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