 09-22-2005 Anthony Lane Stahlhut
I think they are more afraid of you than you are of them! Bats don't attack people and they eat a lot of mosquitoes! This was fun to read, Anthony
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04-16-2005 Cortney Jaruzel
This is cute... I loved the feeling I got from it. Good job. =)
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09-11-2004 SamiJo Mcquiston
It's very good. I Can't realyy expain this but, it jumps around a bit. Good job though.
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09-05-2004 Mary -BrytEyz- Ball
Beware? But what if "I" am worse than they? (Bwahahaha) - J/K
I should try and write a scary one. I always write about love and serious stuff. It was really hard for me to break away and write something FUNNY to enter into the Giggle Poetry contest. I'd love to know what you thought of my poem. :-)
I see many have read and commented and rated, but here are some points yet. :-) Glad you're part of PnP.
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09-04-2004 Riley M.
creepy, ^-^ nice contrast though between the night and day...maybe a little more though? o, and in the third stanza it says
roam free. Scaring ever
single child. But when
the sun come up they
should it by 'every single child' instead of 'ever single child'?
just a thought, Riley
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09-03-2004 Paula T.
Great poem!
Fix up the mistakes that Katie and Regina and everybody else mentioned, and it'll be perfect!
Great write, write more soon!
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05-03-2004 Katie Langolf
hey Alix,
this poem is very good. there are only a few spelling and spacing errors. i believe the others who commented already said them though. other than that, it's perfect.
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05-02-2004 Alixandria W.
Hi guys well thank you alot for reading this poetry and also thankyou for the points and everthing i need some more paise so can become a jr. gold member and it only at least 13 and with your help I can or could become one so thank you alot to the people who added comments and help me fix all my erros if i hav'nt fix the erros comment back and i will fix them as soon as possible and thank you alot pnp members
bye
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04-22-2004 Joan Jotz
Hi Alixandria,
You already have lots of good suggestions about lines and spelling. The only other thing I would suggest is put a comma after:
"But when the sun comes up,(comma)
they all go to bed." or maybe
"They all vanish."
This is almost like a campfire ghost story, very creative.
~*~Joan~*~
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04-20-2004 Stefanie Mendoza
Hi Alixandria!
I got your emails about this poem so here I am! I think the poem would flow a bit better if everything were spaced a bit more evenly, for example...
When the sun goes
down, everything changes.
The bats, owls and bugs
come out. The haunting ghosts
roam free.
Scaring ever (should be every)
single child. But when
the sun come (add an s to make comes) up they
all go to bed. So beware
of them.
Even with the more spread out spacing the ending seems a bit awkward... perhaps try....
Scaring every
single child. But when
the sun comes up they flee.
So beware!
Just a suggestion! I hope I've been helpful to you and if you have any questions or make any changes then send me an email! Hope ta hear from ya soon!
~Steffie~
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04-19-2004 Jessica M.
heh heh, this is good!
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04-19-2004 Christopher Doss
Nice little poem...I'm rather curious as to why it is in the stories section..or am I in the wrong place? lol...no matter
Line 5..ever should be every
Line 7: come should be comes
Keep writing, and I do like this
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04-18-2004 Madeline C.
I like it!keep writing!!*grins*
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04-17-2004 Caitlin M.
Rightous!
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04-17-2004 Alixandria W.
Thank you all for your comments and praise
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04-17-2004 Lisa Anderson
Replying to your PnP mail, yes I have read this one! I commented on it on April 8th as well. Lovely piece. Here was my comment again
"This was cool! I liked it because it was mysterious. Good job =) I do agree with Paul, poetry suits this piece more =) about building web sites, well hmm lemme see. I can't really explain it! you can start a free SUPER SUPER easy page at expage.com (expage basic) lemme know if u need help with anything!"
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04-17-2004 Irina Guschina
What a warm picture of day in your poem! I like the title as well.
But why "So beware of them"? I think all bats, owls and bugs are our close friends.
Really I like your poem, Alixandria!
Irina.
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04-16-2004 Andrea Jeanette DiGiantomasso
I thought it was very intriguing... i'd break the lines right when you make a new sentence, because you end those lines very strongly but you accented a different word when you broke the lines, i.e. change "When the sun goes/down, everything changes." to "When the sun goes down/everything changes". See? I love the idea behind it, tho, very ookie. ^_~ <3 from Andie Jeanette
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04-14-2004 Regina S.
The idea behind this is pretty good, if you want, it would really help if you expand on it. Oh, and you have a few typo's:
line 2. everthing should be everYthing (and there should be a comma after 'down' - (down, everything changes)
line 3. put a space between 'bats,'and 'owls'
line 4. huanting shold be 'haunting', 'ghost' should be 'ghosts' and put a space between 'out.' and 'The'
line 5. 'ever' should be 'every'
& line 7. 'come' should be 'comes' ^-^
Also, this should really be in the poetry workshop, if you want to move it tell me. Unless you meant this to be a story, then you'd really need to expand on it!! And if you want any help, I'd be glad to help you!! n_n
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04-08-2004 Lisa Anderson
This was cool! I liked it because it was mysterious. Good job =) I do agree with Paul, poetry suits this piece more =) about building web sites, well hmm lemme see. I can't really explain it! you can start a free SUPER SUPER easy page at expage.com (expage basic) lemme know if u need help with anything!
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04-08-2004 Paul Kangas
shouldn't this be posted in the poetry section?
Very good write. Maybe that does happen in the night, spooky!
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