I'm Sorry Dad...
by
Debra Rose
(Age: 21)
copyright 06-01-2004
Age Rating: 10 to 127
This is a letter I'm hoping to give to my Dad explaining to him why I've been depressed and haven't told him. This is something I've wanted to say for a long time. Any suggestions? I don't want him hurt by it, but I want him to know the truth of how I feel. Thanks.
Father,
I know this is something you never expected to happen--receive a letter from your daughter who lives right across the hallway from you. Worlds apart, isn't it? The length it takes to travel that carpet and come into the realm of my world that you and her--my stepmom--so despise. And I know this sounds wierd, but I've made it that way for a reason.
I don't know how to say this to you, but I guess I should just come out and tell you. Remember, those years ago with Connie, when she came in and I told you she hit me, and you took her side? I really didn't mind, because I saw how happy you were with her, and although I screamed and sobbed, I was so little. I didn't understand what was going on. My mommy had been ripped from my arms. She wasn't in the bedroom anymore asleep where I could easily access her. She was instead living what then seemed like a world away where I could barely ever hug her. And you brought in a woman who wanted to take her place, who I had never met.
When that was over, you found Patti. Sweet, kind, your dream girl. Despite the many issues she had, the depression, the problems with self esteem...you needed that. You needed someone to be wholly dependent on you to the point where they can't distinguish themselves from you. And you took her into our home, and I tried to be happy, because I didn't want to see the look of pain in your eyes again when another left. But see..I didn't want her there. In the brief time Connie was gone, I had my daddy back, and then you brought another woman to take you away from me again.
And she did. And she took my grandma, and all my other family members. I've been miserable, father. I've hated her every step of the way but I've tried so hard to love her, but she makes it impossible. You say she has a right to say all those nasty things to me. To tell me to "f" off, or call me disgusting, say that when she yells at me, it will traumatize me for another four years of therapy. Make fun of me for problems I know she has as well. Probably worse than me. And I can't say it back. Why? Because I'm the child, and she's oh-so-delicate. Well don't you see Daddy? So was I? After last time though, I realized she was nothing to me, and once I moved out, I didn't ever have to see her again. And I don't want to. I want you to be happy, and if you find it with her, then so be it. I just don't want to be involved in the family you're planning. I don't think I could take another year of it.
You told me that I was welcome to stay in that house as long as I want. I don't think that will happen. And this isn't about the fight last night, because I know I was wrong, I know I messed up, but it only brought to light what I've felt all along and couldn't tell you, because then I would be selfish. I hate her, because she took you away from me, she took everything I ever had and made it hers, and she stepped into my life, this woman, this stranger, that I didn't want, because all I wanted was my mother back. But see, I had lost her, and I lost you as well to your love life.
I know you probably don't see it, but I do. I feel it every day I look at you, and I have come to accept that you have chosen her. And I know you don't want to stop being my Dad...I don't want you too. I just know your priorities. And i know your love life with her is at the top. Because you've never let me defend myself to her, you've never let me fight back, yell back, attack back...
You said that Patti let's it gather till she explodes because she doesn't want to cause problems. She already has. I could tell you everything I've done through the years to express to myself the pain that it's caused to be in the same house with her, but I won't do that to you. I can't believe I'm doing this already. But I did want to say that, how she lets it gather all up? So am I dad, which is why I can't stay there much longer.
I don't know if you see it, but when I look at her, I'm boiling inside. You excuse her for exploding, but what about me? I'm so close Dad, and the names I have are so much more colorful than anything she's ever called me. I can't stay in that house when all it's doing is decaying me. I have grandma knocking down all of my dreams to protect you, and Patti as well, because I'm not a good enough girl to go to college. They constantly pick apart my ambitions, and I know I'm not that good of a person. I know I'm low, I know I'm dirt, I know I'll probably never make it to anything but some local IT school, but that's okay. I don't mind that anymore. I just don't like to have it rubbed in my face.
So Dad? I want to ask you to let me move out before my senior school year. You say its hard, but I think if I got a little help from you, I would survive much better than I am now. At mom's, when it was just me and her, when I had her and no one else in my life pretending to be something their not, I was happy. I didn't need the pills. I didn't need to cut or anything else. I was really happy. And I think I can find that if I leave.
I'm sorry to do this to you, Daddy. I know you love me, I know you want me to be your little girl, but I'm all grown up now. Your baby is ready to fly away, no matter that she's only 17. Maybe my wings aren't fully formed, but at least if I leave, they won't be getting clipped by Patti, Grandma, and the pain I'm caused when I'm there.
Please don't take this to mean that I don't love you. I do. I'll always be your little girl, but I guess I just need to get out now. I love you Dad. Please, you need to stop focusing on my happiness. I'm ready to take care of that myself now if you'll just let me go where I want to now. I can find it. Its yours you need to focus on. Patti is ill and depressed, and you have your job and health to worry about as well. I'm young, I have vitality, I can take care of myself now. Trust me, okay? It's your turn to worry about yourself, finally.
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This is wonderful and instructive for me at the age of 40. I admire your ability to addrees your concerns with your father as honestly and as tenderly as you did, here. It shows a wonderful maturity. At forty, I'm still too f--ked up and resentful to come close to communicating to my mother this way. I never did with my father, and he died suddenly, 3 years ago. Debra, you've taught me a lot here, about taking responsibility for my own "side of the street."
wow your story tuched me so. i hope things work out for you. (your not dirt) your fine the way you are. god made you the way you are for a reason.
-shannon w.
With a letter like this, your father should definately understand.
Depression is a really tough thing, and i hope you can get over it and see the light.
Not death, just happiness in life.
You had to go through a lot, and I'm not suprised that you'd get depressed after all that.
Get better soon!
~*Paula*~
I think this is very sweet. Access has finally been granted to your thoughts! Cha-ching. lol. I think this is the perfect way to tell someone that you care deeply for them, you just don't care that much for the other people he brings into his life, and therefore, yours. Just because he brings in another woman, doesn't mean it's supposed to make you happy too, and hopefully he understands that. But there are limits as to how much you can take. Family, I believe, is the most important things above all else. It effects your past, helps you become who you yourself are, and it's the only source you'll ever have of unconditional love and acceptance. I think you did this perfectly and gave it justice. This is the perfect way to tell people how you feel without making them feel you don't love them, or you're angry at them solely... I think I put that last part right. ?.?
debra,
this letter will hopefully work 'cause if your dad cares about you he should let you move...if not try harder and be more agressive or everone will think they can push you around,don't belittle yourself either...you can go the distance
Wow Debra you sure can write.Give that letter to your father even if you have second thoughts that you shouldn't because,by the way it sounds,that is the only way to tell him. I felt like i was getting more ruthless and heartless because i don't cry over things as easily anymore but this letter nearly made me cry when i felt the situation you were in. It's not right for your family to put u down!
I have PM sent to you. You are a very special person gifted in more ways than I could ever count. The eyes of a person that sees through to the heart, expresses feelings, questions and loves, with a wholeness seldom seen, even more seldom expressed, you are a gifted writer. What ever stars you reach for they are yours. School is for learning, where you start does not hold weight, just start, each step is a gate to be opened. You will suceed.
Try to judge with your heart and not your mind. All of us are simply living on the edge. We choice and make mistakes, forgive our foolishness.
I hope you find peace. Mailbox is always open..
Walt
Your letter has enough meaning to make anyone see the pain involved...theres a lot to it and im sure anyones dad would re-reread it :) it has a nice focus of, 'i'm stronger now' or so it seems to me...i hope things go well!!:)
Zoe,
First of all I would like to say that I admire your courage for following through with writing this letter. It's a brave thing to do though I know it can't be easy.
I've been watching you struggle through this mess with your family ever since I met you, and I'm just in total awe as to how you've handled everything that's been thrown your way. You're stronger than you give yourself credit for and such an amazingly talented young woman. You knock yourself down so much, but I can feel Patti's venom in your words. All of it... she's been poisoning your mind, making you believe that you are nothing... far below deserving your father's love and affection. It's all so wrong! Your father's blinded by his love for this woman and I pray that one day he may finally see what it's been doing to you for so long. Don't ever think for one minute that you don't deserve the love and support of your family. And don't ever think that you have no future. You have such amazing gifts to share with the world. DOn't let anyone ever make you believe that you have nothing to offer. Zoe, you've been the strong hold amidst all of our friends, encouraging us along when we start to waver, and now it's our turn to be there for you. You held my hand through my recent struggle at home and I've watched it with you. I support your decision to leave, but as Chris said, it won't be easy or fun. But always know that your friends will be there for you no matter what happens or where you go. We love you so much and there's nothing in this world that can change it. Stay strong and never compromise who you truely are.
I have a few things I would like to say to this...two of which I will post, and one I will email. I, too, am 17 and living on my own. When others at school ask me how I did it, and seem jealous at my freedom..I blast them with the truth. I have almost no time for anything but work and school. It is not a joy ride, and I don't recommend it unless there seems to be really no choice. For me, it was a good move...and necessary. I don't know you or your life any more than you mine, I just ask you to really think about it.
There is a section in your letter where you tear yourself to pieces. As I read that, I felt sad, angry, frustrated...as I have had those feelings for myself as well. That is a battle that takes a long time to win..that need to bash your own head in before anyone else can. Just let me say, from your posts here what I see is an extremely intelligent person capable of doing anything..and I'm thinking willing to make the sacrifices and work hard to get them. Please don't sell yourself short.
Ok, my speech is done...I will email my other point as I don't feel it's appropriate to post here.
Chris
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