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Dear Scarlett,
Congratulations on getting married so... soon! I know Rick will be the perfect husband because I trained all the bad habits out of him while I dated him for the last four years. Oh man, I just can't get over that you're getting married already! I really am happy for you and I hope everything goes smoothly.
I was very surprised when I got the invitation in the mail since we haven't been talking that much since you stole you-know-who away from me. But I guess all that is behind us now. Tell me, are you wearing red or black lingerie down that aisle? I think it would be sort of awkward if you wore white, since you-know-what is really the only reason Rick loves you and not me.
All that aside, let me see about whether I can go... Let me see, it's on March 21st. Oh, that would be an easy anniversary for Rick to remember! What a perfect wedding day! I never let him forget that March 21st was the anniversary of when he and I met, so I'm sure it will be easy to make him remember that it's also when you and he are getting married.
I don't think I'm doing much that day - oh I have penciled in "eat chocolate, watch romantic movies, and cry," but I'm sure I can skip that to see my love of four years married off to the first sloe-eyed chit who'd have him in her bed before she'd have him before the altar.
In fact, now that I think about it, I'm not going to go! I wouldn't go if you paid me in rubies! That's the last straw, Scarlett; I can't believe you think we're still friends! I'm going to save up a bunch of money for your wedding present and then I'm going to spend it on ME!
Hating you Lots,
Raphia Sweynson
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