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¿Porqué no me quieren? (Why don't they want me?)
by Emily Garwood (Age: 21)
copyright 04-19-2004


Age Rating: 13 to 127

 
Yo fui adoptada cuando nací, y como hoy en día tengo unos 16 años, tengo la experiancia y la confiancia, para contar mi historia.
Soy heavy pero tambien otras cosas, masoquista, gótica, satánica y un poco de punk para poner un ejemplo. Me denominan así porque visto casi siempre de negro, siempre con pulseras y collares de picos. Pero me llaman masoquista por muchas razones; me gusta cortarme los brazos, bueno, la verdad es que me gusta cortarme en cualquier lado, mientras que hay sangre estoy feliz. Siempre llevo el collar de mi perro muerto, Luna, la atropeyó un coche caundo mi hermana la llevaba de camino, te lo juro que la zorra lo hizo adrede.
Dentro de mi es como una tormenta, todas mis sentimientos mezclados. Y a veces lo encuentro dificíl de expresarme, pero cuando escribo poemas; soy yo. Sin todas las cosas que uso para esconderme de la gente. Es como si fuera desnuda, todo lo que escribo es yo. Tengo más de 200 de ellos cada uno expresa un tiempo en mi vida, odio, amor, tristeza, depresión y algunos veces cuando estoy feliz (que no es muy a menudo).
Mi madre me hace sentir que mi vida no tiene ni valor ni sentido, he intentado suicidarme varios veces, tomo pastillas o me corto las venas con la esperanza de no verla más.
Mi padre estaba leyendo el primer libro, pero ella le dijo que no valia la pena. Él no es tan malo como mi madre, él no me pega tanto y por eso doy gracias a Dios. A veces creo que me quiere ayudar, cuando estamos solos, pero cuando estamos en casa de nuevo, esa esperanza que tenia desaparece y otra vez, estoy sola. Mi madre es el opuesto. Ella me odia pero no sé por qué, a lo mejor es porque soy dislexica, o tonta como ella dice. Soy incapaz de aprender, y por ellos, es una cosa que no pueden aceptar porque son profesores. Mi madre tiene dos caras, a veces tres. Cuando estamos solas ella siempre me critíca por muchas cosas, mi forma de vestir, de hablar, y muchas otras. Pero cuando mis amigos estan en la casa, se porta como una madre más o menos normal, hablando con ellos como otras madres.
Luna era mi salvación, ella, junto con mi abuelo que morió hace dos años, eran mi angeles guardianos. Cada vez que mi madre me pegaba, Luna la mordia y cada vez que yo lloraba, ella me limpiaba las lágrimas. Pero ahora ningúno de ellos estan conmigo y aúnque a veces no quiero aceptarlo, tengo que. Ahora tengo otro perro llamado Tammy, ella es la que muerde a mis padres ahora. Bueno, muerde a cualquier persona que mi pega. Ya mis padres no pueden entar a mi cuarto, pero mis padres quieren matarla porque dicen que es peligrosa. No es verdad.
Pero ahora tengo a mis amigos y estoy aprendiendo que no soy tonta, ni gorda, ni fea. Soy alguien y vale la pena para vivir, tener hijos, ser mayor, y ser responsable de otras personas a parte de mi. Y ahora sé que la vida tiene sentido, aúnque no sé que es, pero voy a vivir.

----------------------------------------

I was adopted at birth, and now i'm 16 years old, and i have the experiance and confidence to tell my history. I'm into heavy metal but also other things, masochist gothic, satanica and a bit of punk and i'm going to give you an example. You will always see me dressed in black, and with my braclets and spikey collars. But they acll me masochist for many reasons; because I like to cut my arms, well, the truth is I like to cut anywhere as long as there is blood i'm happy. I always wear the collar of my dead dog, Luna, she was run over by a car while my sister was walking her, and i'm sure that it was her fault. Inside of me it's like a storm, all my feelings mixed. And sometimes I find it difficult to express myself, but when I write poetry, I'm me. I have more than 200 of them and each one expresses a time in my life, hate, love, sadness, depression, and sometimes when I am happy (which isn't often).
My mum makes me feel like my life has no worthy and no feeling. I've tried suicide various times takings pills or cutting the veins with the hope to see them no more.
My dad is reading the first book of my poems but my mum says it's not worth the time. He's not as bad as my mum, he doesn't hit me as much and for that I give thanks to god. Sometimes i think he wants to help me, when we're alone, but when we're in the house, that feeling dissapears and once again, i'm alone. My mum is the oppisite. She hates me, but I don't know why, I think it's because i'm dyslexic, or stupid as she says. I'm incapable of learning, and for them, it's a thing they can't accept because they're teachers. My mum has two faces, sometimes three. When we're alone she always critisizes me for many things, the way i dress, and talk, and other things. But when my friends are in the house, she poses as a mum more or less normal, talking with then like other mums.
Luna was my salvation, her, with my grandad who died two years ago, are my gaurdian angels. Each time my mum hit me, Luna bit her, and each time i cried, she would clean my tears. But now neither of them are with me, and sometimes i don't want to accept it, but i have to. Now i have another dog called Tammy, she's the one who bites my parents now. Well, she bites anyone who hits me. Now my parents can't enter my room, but my parents want her killed because they say she is dangerous. It's not true!
But now i have my friends, and i'm learning that i'm not stupid, not fat, and not ugly. I'm someone and that it's worth it, to live, to have kids, to get older, and to be responsible of people, other than me! Now i know that life has feeling, I don't know what it is, but i'm going to live.


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07-01-2004 Mary -BrytEyz- Ball    

I appreciate your honesty and openness. Life is hard on many of us in different ways. I lived through what some would call hell, and yet I'm infectiously optimistic and here's why. I feel that every day is a battle to find happiness. Sometimes it's easy. Sometimes it's not so easy. Either way, it's our choice to look for it or not. It's there.... every day there IS a reason to smile and be grateful... it's just harder to find some days. When I find it, I cling to it and smile. My grin is evidence of my stubborness to give up and give in to depression. There are evil forces in this world that try any way they can to depress the world and make people everywhere just as unahappy as they. When I find my happiness for the day, I have won the battle. Only when I die and people remember me for my happiness, my smile, and my optimism... only when I've managed to change the lives of others with my strength to not give up or give in... then and only then will I have won the battle!!!

I've begun to write my first novel with all serious intentions and I'm deep into chapter three. Now that I'm back online, I'll have to begin posting it. I honestly feel that you'd enjoy it. I hope you never give up.

Just remember, for every minute of sadness or anger, you lose 60 seconds of happiness!


05-25-2004 Nancy Pawley    

Emily, even though your life has been far more difficult than many others, you are like me..a true survivor who will find that life can be more than wonderful, with lots of good feelings to keep you company. Your story reminds me of some song lyrics I heard yesterday;
'I am beautiful in every single way,
but words can bring me down.
So don't you bring me down today.'
Keep up the good work.
Nancy


04-21-2004 Toni Sweeney    

Wow emy!! This must of been very hard to write. I am glad that you found pnp. I am glad that you wrote the last paragraph that is good to hear. You got me really worried when you said that you have tried to commit sucide or that you cut yourself.I am also glad that you said that it is worth to live and like Bob said you will someday be a wonderful mother and have a very nice life. If you ever need to talk to any one you can email me I will try to respond as fast as I can.
Your friend
Toni S.


04-19-2004 Robert Betts    

Emy, This is really beautiful. I am just so very proud to have you at PnP, to see you as one of my adopted daughters. I love watching your growth. You will someday be a wonderful mom and have a very nice life.


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