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The Promises You Break
by Cortney Jaruzel (Age: 18)
copyright 09-20-2007


Age Rating: 10 to 127

 
I'm tired of pretending,
That It is all okay.
You think It doesn't matter to me,
and you throw it all away.

If that is so,
Why promise it to me?
Why make another lie,
and then let it be?

I can't hide,
what I've done to myself.
I tried not to cut,
But I needed more help.

All of my world,
Is falling down On me.
I can't live,
and I can't breathe.

If this is your way,
I handling your life,
by hiding eveything behind me.
but now I have the knife.

I can't love life like this,
So crowded but left to alone.
I can't be here for no reason,
and I can't belive all I've been told.

There's no reason,
to live your lies.
and there's no reason,
for my to live my life.

I am just tired,
of the promises you break.
I don't understand why it's so hard.
Life is a game I can't take.


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04-27-2004 Joan Jotz    

Cortney,
You write about a sad and heartbreaking subject, and your words convey the pain and hopelesness.
Check a few things:
"I handling your life" possible typo, did you mean "Of handling your life'?

"For my to live my life." my--> me

"I can't live,
and I can't breathe." You could drop the 'and', give it more drama.

This sentence I don't understand:
"So crowded, but left to alone."

Corrections would make your poem stronger, so give a quick re-read and see what you think.

~*~Joan~*~
04-26-2004 Aaron Schmookler    

The frustration in your words comes through loud and clear. I think you might spend some time getting more specific about that frustration. What does it stem from? How does it lead you to act in the way that you do (i.e. the cutting)?

The repetition of central themes of life and it's difficulty using similar but altered word patterns is an effective technique, well used here to make the content feel familiar to the reader without it's seeming like old hat.
Visitor Reads: 222
Total Reads: 236
Comments: 2

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