I've Lost My Love
by
Travis Bauer
(Age: 21)
copyright 06-03-2004
Age Rating: 13 to 127
I never want to hurt you,
That is what I fear most.
I love you with all my heart,
I know you love me the same.
I wish we could be together forever.
But, us being so far apart
Is just killing what we have,
I wish this wasn't so.
Life without you,
Is like death itself.
I don't want to hurt you,
And I hope I never will.
That's why I'm here now,
To tell you I can't be with you,
Before we get in to deep.
It's not because I don't love you,
Don't you EVER think that!
It's not because of your ways,
I would never change a thing.
You are beautiful in my eyes.
I had a lot in mind for you and I,
A big white house with a porch swing,
Our children running around on a hot summer day.
You and I holding eachother close on the swing,
For the rest of our days.
I had all of this and more planned.
Thinking of it now just hurts,
For I know these things I will never have.
And the thought is tearing me to pieces,
Knowing we can't have eachother.
I hope you understand,
That what I'm doing
Is for the best.
I'd love nothing more,
Than to be with you always.
With this, I must let you go.
For if I don't I may make the mistake,
That may harm us both.
To tell you the truth, my love,
I was betting on forever.
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this is such a beautiful melancholy piece! it renews my hope in the young ones of the human race, that even those that the adults pass off as too immature to know these things can and do have such visions for the future and place such a value on simple truth in love and in this world. it's poems like this that prove that we want a better place to live in than what we have, and it will be us that brings such a place to frutition. love, grace, nobility, and courage are flourishing beneath a new generation's care.
=^.^=
Great job!!! I found one mistake. Eachother I belive should be Each other. I am not totally sure you may want to ask someone else before you do change it. Rather then that you did a good job. Keep up the good work.
Toni S.
Ok Travis,
Much improved! It has a nice, easy flow when I read it now. It also emphasizes the emotions more....the yearning, the desire, the pain.
One small typo: eachother--> each other
Good job, you get an extra point for the re-write!!
Hi Travis,
Lots of emotion here, but also some punctuation problems. If you read it out loud, and stop after every period, I think you will hear how the flow is disrupted.
An example:
"I never want to hurt you.(comma instead)
This is what I fear the most.
(a period signals the reader to stop before reading the next thought, a comma is just like taking a breath,and then continuing
.....with all my heart,(comma)
I know you love me the same."
...Close on the swing,(comma)
For the rest of our days."
You get the idea. These are just a few places in your piece. Go through the entire work and see where the periods are really necessary. Once you do that, I think this piece will be a lot more fluid, and easier to read.
Welcome !
