In This World
by
Delaney Lindley
(Age: 18)
copyright 08-28-2005
Age Rating: 13 to 127
I feel like a child...
In a world I don't belong to,
Anymore
Every breath is strained
Everything I touch breaks
Everything I do is a mistake
And no one will let me fix it
Make things right again
Begin to mend the eroding ground
Dissappearing all around me
Can nobody save me?
Redeem my broken world
Catch me before I crash
I have to get out of here,
But there's no place else to go
I want to connect
-To touch-
-To fly-
Hurl through space
To find a place
To turn the light out
And not be judged;
A place where broken things cannot be seen
And the color of the rain doesn't matter
Things can finally be felt
And understood
And I can be accepted
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This is a very good poem. Sometimes we all feel like we don't belong in this world, but even though life can be hard, hopefully everything all pays off and works out in the end. Good Write.
I'd like to say for the record in response to Roger's comment, the line he said I put "Can no body same me" is not there and never was...Roger, are you wearing your glasses? :P
I think that if you divide your poem in stanzas, it would read better and would make it easier for you to control its flow and direction. I also think that the statement, "Can no body same me?" is a bit awkward. I wouldn't make the statement, it takes away from the emotions and passion of the poem. But if you need to make the statement, then I would simply say, "Can anyone save me?"
Everything I touch breaks
Everything I do is a mistake
Wow... yes, so true! I've felt like this many a time. :-) And then I found the key to happiness... you have to MAKE your world and then live in it. Trying to live in other's worlds and live up to other's expectations...well, that's just no fun at all. :-) Thank you for reading my work. I'd like to know what you think of my story in workshop. It's getting published this month and I'm soooo excited!
Delaney,
This poem has a very deep message, and your descriptions of life's problems and hurts are very well done!
My only suggestion would be to add some punctuation, let the reader know where you want them to pause, with a comma, or stop, with a period. This will make your message more powerful.
Good work!