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Zoey Green
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----

moving on
by Paula T. (Age: 17)
copyright 07-29-2004


Age Rating: 10 to 127

  moving on

“You really shouldn’t have stolen my boyfriend, Rachel,” Lindy threatened menacingly for the 3rd time this morning.
"For the last time Lindy, I didn’t steal him, he just realized that you weren’t his type." I answered her for the 3rd time that morning.
Resolving to ignore her for the rest of the day I opened my locker, taking out my chemistry book and Macintosh lap top. Heaving a huge sigh I closed the locker door and rounded the corner to get to the giant marble staircase. My locker was on the 3rd floor and unfortunately, my chemistry class was on the 1st. It was just my luck that I had worn my new Jimmy-Choos to school today and they were killing me. Never again am I trusting those magazines that bribe you into buying " the best bargain instores worldwide". I had now idea how I was to climb down the stairs to the 1st floor then back up for my science book and then to the 2nd floor for science and then to lunch, where I can call the limo driver to bring me my Reeboks. No way was I carrying any extra weight on my shoulder.
If only I had known earlier that I wouldn’t have to worry about that.....
I tucked a perfectly permed ringlet that had fallen out of my French Twist back in and started to descend the staircase when I noticed that Lindy was still following me. Wow, it must be really hard to lose a boyfriend to a cheerleader. Tough luck ,kiddo. I was one the third step when a geek bumped into me. “So…Sorry” the geek stammered. I recognized him as Russel, the chess tournament winner. As student body president, it is my job to know the status of every student in the school, even people that I don’t really want to know anything about. I told him to get out of my way, and he gratefully obliged, happy that he was getting off so easily. As I was going down the steps I swung my very “in” leather book bag off my shoulder & stuffed my lab top & chemistry book in it. Then I replaced it on my silk shirt.I avoided making eye contact with the geeks & waved at a fellow cheerleader. Lindy was still following me. I turned around & glared at her.
“What is your problem?” I asked her wearily. My toes were burning.
“You are my problem” she replied, returning the glare.
I sighed. My feet were killing me. I’ll deal with her later, first my burning body parts. I reached into the pocket of my book bag to get my sleek silver cell phone when I felt a tap on my shoulder. Expecting to find Lindy I scowled. What an annoying rat. Too bad extermination can’t take care of her. Turning around to face the rat, my scowl turned into a smile at the sight of my cute boyfriend, Adam. Lindy scowled at the sight of us lovebirds staring at each other so lovingly. He was muscular, being the football team quarterback. Suddenly felt an insistent tug on the hem of my new skirt. I chose to ignore it. Out of the corner of my eye noticed a girl drooling over the sight of him. Sorry, he's taken. But he was something worth drooling about. He had a round, angelic face. His copper-colored curls framed his beautiful (did I mention angelic?) face. His eyes were blue-green and soulful. He had a dimpled smile. His nose wasn't the crooked type, like my father's was. His lips were red and full. He was wearing a tight shirt, so everybody could see his biceps. He was wearing shorts and he looked good in them, and I’m being modest. His eyes crinkled up all concerned. He looks so cute when he’s concerned. “What’s wrong?” he asked me gently. “Oh nothing, it’s just that my feet are killing me and your old girlfriend is out to get me, also I failed my pop quiz in English, I have a paper due on the Yearling in World Civ, which is after lunch, I have a test in Chemistry and I didn’t study, and I can’t do World Civ during lunch because I had no breakfast because my brother set my alarm back as an April fools in June prank.” I looked at him all wide-eyed and innocent. “Are you okay? Can I help?” he asked worriedly. I felt another tug.It was way more insistent than the other one. “No thanks, I won’t let you plagiarize my paper.” The punishments at our school for plagiarizing was suspension or suspension
from extracurricular activities for a month.
No way could either of our teams afford to lose their best players before the state championship. “Listen, Adam-” I never got to finish my sentence because the third tug was so insistent that it yanked me off my feet.
Adams eyes widened in fear. But what was he making such a big deal over? I knew how
to react to this! I had done flips that started just like this in cheerleading. I should’ve been warned. Adam isn’t easy to scare. He was cool as a cucumber when his fellow teammate had an asthma attack in the middle of the state championship.
But as I was about to flip, my attacker pushed me really forcefully over the banister! I freaked out for a sec but realized that I could save my-self & become more popular! What a perfect opportunity! My only thought was “I wonder who did this?” Being a cheerleader I had lots of enemies. I was so stupid not to have thought of a back-up plan. The flip plan quickly fell through. I did a flip alright, but it only made me gain speed as I neared doom.I should’ve done something. I really should’ve. But I panicked! You would’ve too if you were thrown down a winding staircase from a 3rd floor landing, and your only plan for staying alive fell through, so leave me alone, okay? All I remember was hearing a deafening THUMP. Then everything went black.




I awoke to a throbbing pain. I realized my head was killing me. I felt like I had hit my head over the monkey bars a couple of times and then somebody had cracked a cement block on top of my head. Then that same somebody had used a hammer to crack my skull open,then tried to cover it up by sewing my head up using nails. My burning legs were nothing compared to this. But I didn’t have enough energy to moan, less complain. Also, I felt this ache in one of my legs, and my rib cage itched like crazy, but I dared not touch it. I felt a wetness on my head, and guessed that it was one of those band-aids the nurse had in her office. My mouth felt dry as the Sahara Desert (maybe drier) and I felt drained and sleepy, like you might feeling after throwing-up, taking a deep breath, and then throwing up some more. Where was I and why did everything hurt? I had a million questions but not enough energy (or saliva) to ask them. Summoning up the little energy I did have, I propped open one eye. Not willing to believe what I saw, I closed it again. And then the memories all came back. But it was all too painful to sort through with a splitting headache like the one that I had. But I knew I had to. Open my eyes I tried to focus, but my headache made everything swim before my eyes. I willed myself to focus. I needed Pain Killers now. Where was the maid when you nedded her? Maybe my eyesight was doubled, but I could clearly see the blurry outline of my boyfriend. Gathering all my strength and love for Adam I whispered the one word that I truly believed could make it all better.
“Adam” I rasped.
The voice that came out of me was not the voice that had won the talent show 3 years in a row for it’s dazzling performance. This was the voice that was hurting, emotionally & physically. This voice could easily be mistaken for the hissing of the plumbing.(Plumbing in June?) Who would want to end my life? Who would be so cruel as to even try? Sure, I had enemies, but everybody did. But who would risk my life because of resentment? I took in my surroundings sadly. I had never imagined myself in the intensive care unit because of my own trouble. Sure a fellow relative or classmate, but never myself. But Adam, my Adam, my soul mate and love heard me.
“Rae?” he asked, not daring to hope & be dissapointed.
“Yeah, it’s me” I rasped softly. I tried to pick myself up, but ended up wincing in pain and loss of energy. He picked his head up from my knees & I noticed a wet spot in it’s place .
My Adam had cried for me.
I once read in a magazine that it takes a big man to cry. My Adam was as big as they get.
The only male I’d seen crying was my dad, and that was because a construction worker had
dropped a cement block on his toe. But the Adam that looked up at me wasn’t my Adam.
This boy’s copper curls were matted with sweat, there were tears in his eyes & dripping down his cheeks, there was snot coming out of his nose. He hastily grabbed a tissue from a box on my dresser table.
It didn't matter to me how Adam looked,he was still my Adam. He looked at me lovingly.
“Oh, Rae,” he cried out, “we were so scared! When you flew over the banister I jumped on it and chased after you, we were going at the same speed, but when you got to the second landing and I reached out to grab you, you flipped over and gained speed, and I wasn’t able to go as fast as you, and I reached you a second too late. You were unconscious, but when I reached up to get you, you reached out with your hand, grabbed your head and winced. So I took off my shirt and laid it under your head. Principal Feeney volunteered to drive you to the hospital, but we didn’t know how to treat your body, so we called the ambulance, the detectives took your silk shirt to examine it for fingerprints, but they didn’t find any fingerprints-”I interrupted him
“They pulled me by the skirt” I managed to croak out.
"What? Oh, I’ll tell them. Anyway, the doctors said you have a bad concussion -that explains the headache-and that you broke 4 ribs- that explains the ribs -you sprained your knee- that explains my leg- oh, you also shattered your forehead
-that explains the bandage I felt- Oh, Rae, the doctors didn’t think that you would make it.”
But something was nagging at my brain, and it wasn’t the headache that was still killing me -literally- but I knew that the doctors were right. I wasn’t going to make it. I was given a few moments alone with Adam- because he was the most important person in my life- as a gift. This was the most important person to who I had to say good-bye to. And I didn’t have much time left. I felt a numbness spreading through my body. From health class, I knew that it could be shock, or worse. The numbness had gone all the way to my knees. “Adam” I said calmly. I don’t care what they say about football players being dumb. Adam could read it in my eyes. He knew that I wouldn't make it.
“Rae, please, don’t leave me, I love you so much. You mean the world to me. Without you my world comes crashing down” he begged. “Adam, I love you too. Please don’t make this painful for me.” I begged him. He looked at me soulfully, and said the words that made me sure we were soul mates.
“No matter where you are, know that I have never or will ever love anybody as much as I love you. My heart will always belong to you.”
He looked at me with tear-filled eyes and I knew that he meant every single word.I looked at him.
“Adam, don’t be scared to love anybody as much or even more than you love me. No matter where I am I will always wish the best for you. Don’t be scared to move on.”
I meant every single word. Then he leaned over and I stood up a little. The numbness had already claimed me there, so the only pain I felt was emotional pain. No numbness could ever claim my heart. The numbness was welcoming, and it spread peace through my body. But it still scared me. Then he gave me the most soulful kiss anybody can imagine. I died in his arms. He was a big man about it.
As I floated above the bed he gently laid me down, gave me one last kiss & then he wiped a big fat tear off his cheek. Then he marched boldly out the door, while I grinned, blew him a kiss & flew up to the sky.
We had both moved on.




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08-09-2004 Emily Garwood    

wow it's a good story because its more real than the happy ending fairy tale thing and its a good message for people in love too well done!


07-31-2004 Mary -BrytEyz- Ball    

Good Points: I like how you describe things. I like the emotion that you have in your writings. Keep up the good work.

Bad Points: I think they've been covered well enough by other readers. I did want to know who did it. I did want the main character to realize how wrong she was about her attitude and treatment of others before she died. It was like she was so callous and cold and she never realized it. But, that's always my righteous indignation peeking out from within.


07-29-2004 Sam Hackel-Butt    

Hi there ^_^
A few things I noticed:
(I'll give an example)

""For the last time Lindy, I didn’t steal him, he just realized that you weren’t his type."I answered..."
What's itallics is what i noticed. Some of your senteneced, or dialogue at the end, that there is no space after the punctuation mark or quotation mark. Maybe read through, and place a space after a punctuation mark.

"...the 1st floor then back up for my science book and then to the 2nd floor for science & then to lunch, were I can call the..."
Were is the past tense of 'to be.'
eg: You were out in the garden.
Where is the other one ^_^
ag: Where can he be?

And where you mentioned the lab top, isn't it Lap top?

"Tough luck , kiddo."
Just a tiny space to fix.

nedded - needed
dissapointed - disappointed

"He picked his head up from my knees & I noticed a wet spot in it’s place ."
Another small space to fix at the end.

"Without you my world comes crashing down” he begged."
Punctuation needed at the end of dialogue.



Now away from that.
Very touching story. Did they ever find out who did it? Was it her "friend?"

-Sammy


07-28-2004 Victoria Medley    

Everything that Regina said is absolutely correct. Never use the shortcuts like & when writing a story (typing out a-n-d takes about the same amount of time), and learn how to use dialogue (something I still have trouble with).

Regina said to make a seperate line for dialogue, which is true in stories that you would print out or publish, but because this is the internet, you should actually double space in between these to make it easier for the author to read. (It's easier to find our places that way)

Also, you need to learn the rules of sentences. I see that you like to use a lot of complex and compound sentences. This is good, but you should throw in a few simple sentences every once in a while. Mix it up a bit to give your story diversity. Also, the rules of sentences:

When a sentence has one clause in it, it is a simple sentence. "I ran." That's a simple sentence. "I like to run." That is also a simple sentence.

When a sentence has both an independent (a clause that can be a sentence all on it's own, like "I ran.") AND a dependent (a clause that is a frament by itself "When I ran") clause in it, then it is COMPLEX. With a complex sentence, you need to seperate the dependent and independent clauses with a coma. For example: "When I ran, I was fast."

When a sentence has two independent clauses in it (two complete sentences), you need to seperate them with either a subordinate conjuction (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so) and a comma (For example: "We went to the store, and it was fun.") OR a semicolon ("We went to the store; it was fun.").

If you followed the five rules of submitting a story, you'll never have this problem again.

1. Run your story through spell and grammar check.
2. Reread your story.
3. Reread your story outloud.
4. Give it to someone else to proof for errors (anyone on here would be glad to help if you asked).
5. Submit story

That's it. ^_^


07-22-2004 Regina S.    

*-* oooh, this is an awesome story!! You are really, really good! :) Just a few things, when a person is speaking, give them a separate line like:
“You really shouldn’t have stolen my boyfriend, Rachel” Lindy threatened menacingly for the 3rd time this morning.
"For the last time Lindy, I didn’t steal him, he just realized that you weren’t his type," I opened my locker & took out my chemistry book and Macintosh lab top. Heaving a huge sigh I closed the locker door and rounded the corner to get to the giant marble staircase.

Also, every '&' sign should be 'and' and everything in parentheses (when a person is speaking should have a ',' (comma) at the end, not a period. (don ask me why, it's some grammar rule or something. Unless it's open dialogue like:

"You totally stole my boyfriend, Rachel, you conniving witch! Stop making petty excuses for yourself and admit the truth," (<-comma) Lindy screamed, her eyes flaming with anger. (if it;s an exclamation mark (!) you can leave it)

The exception is open dialgue:

"What class do you have next?"
"Science." (<- period) (that's cuz you're not telling the reader who said it, they're supposed to know from earlier information. ^-~)

Fix up the grammar errors, and your story'll be perfect!!!!



07-22-2004 Paula T.    

i forgot a word here & there. Too bad I didn't double-check


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