TEACHER - If there were three peaches on the table, Johnny, and your little sister should eat one of them, how many would be left?
JOHNNY - How many little sisters would be left?
TEACHER - Now listen, Johnny. If there were three peaches on the table and your little sister should eat one, how many would be left?
JOHNNY - We ain't had a peach in the house this year, let alone three.
TEACHER - We are only supposing the peaches to be on the table, Johnny.
JOHNNY - Then they wouldn't be real peaches.
TEACHER - No.
JOHNNY - Would they be preserved peaches?
TEACHER - Certainly not.
JOHNNY - Pickled peaches, then.
TEACHER (frustrated) - No, no. There wouldn't be any peaches at all, as I told you Johnny, we are only supposing the three peaches to be there.
JOHNNY - Then there wouldn't be any peaches, of course.
TEACHER (in a strained voice) - Put that switchblade away and pay attention to what I'm saying. We imagine three peaches to be on the table.
JOHNNY - Yes.
TEACHER - And your little sister eats one and then goes away.
JOHNNY - Yes; but she wouldn't go away until she had finished the three. You don't know my little sister.
TEACHER (rolling her eyes) - But suppose your mother was there and wouldn't let her eat but one?
JOHNNY - My old lady's out of town, and won't be back till next week.
TEACHER (sternly) - Now, Johnny, I will put the question once more, and if you don't answer it correctly, I'll keep you after school. If three peaches were on the table and your little sister were to eat one of them, how many would be left?
JOHNNY (straightening up) - There wouldn't be any peaches left. I'd grab the other two.
TEACHER (touching the bell) - The students are now dismissed. Johnny White will remain where he is.
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I was fairly amused by this short story. I am not a towering genius of mathematics, so I can sort of identify with Johnny. I can handle the basics and some geometry, but anything more complex like algebra requires a LOT more effort on my part. At any rate, I like the character and his answers. He seems like someone I would have met in elementary or middle school... he also seems to be from the South, but I may be dreadfully mistaken.
I like the viewpoint of the child... you made him seem like an ordinary child by making him think like one. He does not understand the assumption that his sister will eat only one apple and two will be left, and that is amusing from the perspective of a teenager or adult. The grammar for the characters is suited to their nature (proper grammar for the schoolteacher and more lax grammar for Johnny), making the contrast all the more amusing. Good work with this one, Sir Gregory. Keep it up!
This is really funny! I attended a catholic school. For some reason, the kids had a little more respect for the nuns, at least I think they did. I get the feeling that it wouldn't have mattered to Johnny, though.
I have one question: Did you intentionally leave the 'h' out of Arithmetic in the title?
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