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Staring Away
by Charlotte S.
copyright 10-31-2004


Age Rating: 10 to 127

 
I'm staring at the ocean
The ocean, o very deep
I'm staring with a motion
It's like I'll never sleep
The pretty sparkle in the center
It makes my world shine
I want this pretty ocean
all to be mine
But suddenly I snap and realize
This is not the ocean
These are his eyes


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06-03-2005 Shannon W.    

this was amazing!!!! i'm so glad i got the chance to read this!!!! i have a book that i write all of my poems and stories, behinde the very last page i keep all of the poems i love that people at pnp write. so when i'm sad i read them and they cheer me up! this is going in my book for sure!!!!!!! great job!
03-12-2005 Anthony Lane Stahlhut    

The last three lines are a little rough. Maybe something like this...
But suddenly I snap
and then I realize
This is not the ocean
These, are his eyes!

it seems to flow better and follows your earlier rhyme scheme better. What do you think? Anthony
11-10-2004 Katie M.    

Reminds me of my boyfriend's eyes... great work.. heartfelt. You misspelled "deep" in the second line though. (and I'm not sure about "centre" in the 5th o_o)
Visitor Reads: 480
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