Dawn is so bitter, I can't bear it's light,
Bright and unyielding, it’s rays so scornful.
Why would someone watch the rise of cruelty,
Who would wait for a day of well-lit misery,
It blinds and burns my delicate skin and eyes.
Yet, I will wake to it daily, with grief.
I will never understand, what joy lies in day,
So instead I’ll watch dusk, it is much sweeter,
And far more quiet, I’m blessed in it’s silence.
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This is a very good. I love the topic, and I can relate some times. And dwan and dusk are like the begining and end of a chapter to me. Like the begining cane be good of bad. And the and could make you wan't to read the next chapter so bad or, wan't to close the book and sleep. And dwan can be awated of it could be dreded. I happy time to some or, a hellish time to others.
Love this one. Perfect pic too!
Sami,
Bravo on the re-write. You've condensed some lines, and the thoughts are much clearer. It reads smoother now, and the bitterness comes through.
One typo: dayily--> daily
This is good writing.
Joan
SamiJo,
I like this poem very much, lots of emotion and passion in your words, and the reader feels the despair you hint at by use of the sunrise.
I would suggest a little re-wording:
"Dawn is so bitter,(great opening line)
the sun how it shines...<-- I would either put a comma after sun, or re-word this line, maybe simplify a bit;
Dawn is so bitter, as the sun shines
Bright and unyielding, it's rays so scornful. (period here)
I'd also put commas after 'cruelty', and 'misery', to give the reader a short pause to take in your words.
A period after 'eyes'.
This line needs to be re-worked:
"Yet this is the horror that I wake up for
I will never understand......
The first line runs into the second without continuity. You could just drop the word 'for', and put 'to' there instead.
"Yet this is the horor I wake up to,
For I will never understand (no comma) what joy lies in day. (period)
Your ending lines are very strong, pull the reader right along.
Just some suggestions to use or not. A good piece,Sami, very thoughtful.
Welcome !
