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It is a quiet Saturday afternoon and I am sitting at my desk pondering on the remarks a fellow colleague made to me earlier.
My baby is gently talking to herself, the dog has taken to walking herself, and for the first time in a while, all is quiet in the Levy household.
I stretch blissfully, move to the stove to boil water for some tea. My tea. I bought it. It was not begged for, stolen, or dredged out of the back of some moldy cupboard. But fresh tea, expensive tea, imported from another country. Delicious. And I had bought it, made it, and now am drinking it.
Not a very significant moment you may think, but it contains a great deal of weight for me. Somewhere in the back of my somewhat closed off memory, I can picture a time,(Christmas in fact,) wandering the streets, cold and alone, miserable, wet, hungry, nowhere to go, nothing to look forward to, searching for a place where I would be able to pass the night in relative safety, un-bothered by others such as myself. Somewhere sheltered, where I would not spend the night shivering, and open my bloodshot, swollen eyes to another dismal day.
If I would open the pages to some old diaries, and every now and then I do, albeit briefly (some memories are best left alone), I would turn each one apprehensively, searching for a fragment of joy within the pain. Peppered with child-woman words, each day screams out to me,vivid and bold. I see the loneliness, confusion, anger. Those words once written by me, yet seemingly another person.
I recall the promises I had made to God (and who was that THEN?) if He would only pull me through this mess.
Enough. Book shuts, eyes close, enough for now.
Back to the present day of a life filled with love, peace, delicious moments of happiness and gratitude for certain people and opportunities presented to me. How lucky I am.
"So why have you not yet written a novel?" my colleague's words from this morning, drift back to me.
"I've been waiting for something BIG to happen," I murmur.
Reality dawns. I have already written several. I have not gotten around to editing them, just yet.
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