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10-04-2008
Arthur G. Finch
I was deeply impressed with the message you were getting across. One that needs to be repeated. I did however have some difficulty with the ryhthm of the piece. I wondered if you were using free verse, but realized that you were rhyming some words. I believe I found the culprit. Of course it is your poem and your call, but in case you want to give things a try. Here is my advice.
1-Make all your lines consistent, a goo practice would be either 8 syllables or 10. Ten syllables using proper stressed and unstressed syllables will give you iambic pentameter which make poetry come alive. Whether you use 8 or 10, begin the line with an unstressed syllable followed by a stressed one. Example, ta da ta da ta da ta da ta da. The "ta" is unstressed, the "da" is stressed. A Jewish Poet gave me this model to check each like. Lower Case is unstress Caps are stressed. The model sentence is not ment to imply or demean anyone. Here oes:< how ODD of GOD to CHOOSE the JEWS >nOTICE ITHAS 8 SYLABLES, FOUR PAIRS. TO MAKE IT IAMBIC PENTAMETER, ADD ONE MORE PAIR. gOOD LUCH,
aRTHR.
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05-04-2005
Anthony Lane Stahlhut
I just hate whiners, they cry about things they don't even know anything about. This is a good poem. Thanks, Anthony
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05-03-2005
David Pekrul
When one feels sorry for themselves, they in turn lock out the world, not seeing the beauty, nor seeing those who are worse off than them. Self-pity is actually Selfishness. You have expressed your thoughts well, of which I agree.
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05-03-2005
Debra Rose
You know...I so can agree with this. People who are depressed for no reason are idiots. You should try listening to ICP sometime...it says the same things that this does. Except, they ahve this belief, that everyone will see it at some point, and you get back everything you give. Kind of gives you a satisfaction to know people who you're talking about will one day have a reason to be so depressed, and realize how stupid they are.
Sad thing is, I used to be one of those whiny little kids >.<
Great job, Sage
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