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Without You
by
Jane L.
(Age: 14)
copyright 05-18-2005
Age Rating: 7 to 127
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If the bright tears,
In the sky are your mind,
I'll become the blue ocean,
And accept you.
Even if in the wind,
I lose everything,
Yesterday's image of you,
Keeps me going on.
Even if you're far away,
So we can feel each other.
Like the sun and moon,
Please shine your light for me.
Protect me whenever.
Look at me forever and ever.
I only want to trust you.
I want to feel you for all of eternity.
In the bright morning,
Or the sad night,
I'll remember you.
I won't lose my smile.
I can not live without you forever.
Protect me whenever,
Look at me forever and ever.
I only want to trust you.
I want to feel you for all of eternity.
In the bright morning,
Or the sad night,
I'll remember you.
I won't lose my smile.
I can not live without you forever.
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Comments on this Article/Poem:
Click on the commenter's name to see their Author's Page
02-01-2007 Leigh G.
Who would say they like a poem very much, than give it one messily star?! *sighs and shakes head* Commenting was it's worst among the authors back in 05. Thank god the Commenting Crusaders were born from the ashes of the Commenting Club then! *too much fantasy, thinking phoenixes...* Anyway, this is a great poem! Wonderful flow, superior choice of words, and great comparisons. This really painted a picture in my mind, and told a story. Which, I like to have in the works I read. It's nice to be reading your stuff again and get out of the workshops...although it's vital to newbies and Silver Writers to get comments and advice, I can't help but enjoy reading the work of the pros. :) But, alas...we're getting old! Want to know something creepy? You joined PnP the day before I did! We've been here since 04...all the 06ers and 05ers think we're 16 or older! Alma H. though I was older than her, and she's 14...does everybody feel like they're going to start farting out dust when they turn 13? XD You're 13, you should know!
Great work on another incredible poem! Keep writing!
Leigh of the Commenting Crusaders!
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12-06-2005 Angela Toshner
OK I take that back. This one made me cry too. My friend died. And I cant imagine that I have to live without him forever. thank you for saying what I could not
angela
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06-25-2005 Paul Kangas
Oh-mi-gawd Jane! This is an INCREDIBLE poem. It brought tears to my eyes. Souch incredible passion and emotion was expressed in this. I absolutely love this!
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05-27-2005 Mika L.
Another great poem Jane! Just like every1 else says, very emotional
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05-24-2005 Jenna T.
So much feeling and emotion! Yet again, great job!
Jenna T.
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05-23-2005 Kristy Ahn
I like it very much. I can actually tell you wrote this poem from your experience.
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05-19-2005 Michelle Ackmann
Very nice poem. It's written with such emotion. You do have a few errors, but those can always be fixed. Good job!!
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05-18-2005 Emily Garwood
it's a really nice poem and the titles suits it i think or maybe you could take the line that has the most meaning to you and make it your title, or somethign like that...
the only mistake i could find was this though:
1st paragraph in the 4th line 'ccpet' should be 'accept'.
Apart from that you have an excellent and perfect poem keep it up.
Emy
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05-18-2005 Anthony Lane Stahlhut
The emotions are very real and the love here I am sure was reciprocated. You have a few errors,"accept"not accpet. "won't" not wont and in the line,
" so we can feel each other"
I think you need to drop the "so". The title is perfect, I wouldn't change it! The poem is good and your vision is one I would not expect to see fron someone so young. Good job! Thanks, Anthony
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05-18-2005 Jane L.
I didn't know what the title should be so if anybody has a suggestion please tell me.
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Total Reads: 487
Comments: 10
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