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When love has gone

by Brian Dickenson (Age: 79)
copyright 06-01-2005
Contest Winner


Age Rating: 13 +

When did we stop loving each other?
When did the light go out?
You were once heaven on earth to me.
Now whatís it all about?

We treat each other like strangers.
We look with none seeing eyes.
Our ears go deaf and we look away
As we ignore the other ones cries.

We live in a house together.
A house that once was a home.
Where we had vowed to be forever.
But then we started to roam.


We thought we were smart
As we played the swapping game,
But once we had started
It was never the same.

And now itís all finished;
The life that we knew;
The dream that was once us;
Is now me and you.






Visitor Reads: 1005
Total Reads: 1073
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        04-07-2007     Frank Fields        

My remark about not commenting on the grammar was given as a compliment to this write. To have commented on the grammar would have been overly critical and would have detracted from the praise which was being offered. The grammar is fine, there is nothing wrong with any of it. Spelling and punctuation are as they should be. Your rhyming sequences are skillful and add to the write by allowing it to flow more smoothly. The short sentences also help to do this. Your choice of words is excellent throughout and presents an image of the sadness of two lovers drifting apart. To comment on the grammar, as it were, is like trying to find out why a rose is beautiful or how it's made by pulling it apart, petal by petal. I appreciated your write for what it was, not for how it was made.

        04-06-2007     Frank Fields        

I read this and could only think sadly about my first marriage. Not that we enjoyed a "swapping game." But for other reasons, we ended up as "she" and "I" instead of staying "us." Probably the most telling thing that makes this a very good write is the underlying message of love that's still there, but has too many barriers between it to allow it re-birth. I won't even comment on the grammar. Thanks for sharing this.

William :)

        07-21-2006     Kimberly Murphy        

Awesome write!!! Sad but truly awesome. Sounds like my ex and I before we broke up. haha You write beautifully!!
Kim

        03-17-2006     Angela Toshner        

This makes me sad. My parents are exactly like that. They live it the same house but dont notice each other. Great job on this....5 points!
angela

        02-16-2006     Nancy Pawley        

Brian, your poem certainly hits the nail right on the head as far as domestic issues go in this day and age. People not satisfied with their homelife try 'greener pastures' only to find out that the marital spark at home has withered and died in the process.
Nancy

        02-13-2006     Richard Reed Jr        

I really enjoyed:
The dream that was once us;
Is now me and you.

I get the feeling this may have been auto-biographical.

If so, the life-style seems like "wow!"
But everything in life costs us all in some way.

Another good poem technically. No nits.

Rich

        12-05-2005     Angela Toshner        

true....very true. the begining made me almost cry because my friend and I liked each other. And then all of a sudden he wouldnt even look me in the eye. I stil dont know why...
angela

        10-31-2005     Lola Youngdahl        

that's..really sad. But it's still a really great poem. I love the verse "We live in a house together.
A house that once was a home.
Where we had vowed to be forever.
But then we started to roam. " There's just something about it that makes it seem really special. keep up the great work!

-Fuhgeddaboudit


        10-06-2005     Anthony Lane Stahlhut        

I really thought I had commented on this, but I guess I dreamed that. I know I read it because it is in your poem or at least the reference to it is.My mother and father in law are going through this now. They both became successful in their jobs and as the years grew on they got to where they spent 6 and 7 days a week at their jobs. Time has come between them and now he has found someone else.She doesn't think she has a reason to go on. Its a sad thing, but it happens a lot! Anthony ( congrats on the contest win)

        09-04-2005     Anna Tkachenko        

Mr.Dickenson, can you please read my story? It is my first story and i wrote only 2 chapters. I am trying to fix it, but i do not have any idea about how to fix it. If you will write your opinion about it, you will help me a lot. Thank you for reading my comment.
Anna.
P.S:the name of the story is "Duty and Love"
Thanks again!

        09-04-2005     Anna Tkachenko        

Wow... this a good one.

        06-01-2005     David Pekrul        

This asks a lot of important and somber questions. If one was to find the answers perhaps a relationship could be saved. Good poem for reflection and thought.

I found that the rhyme was good until the fourth and fifth stanzas, then it changes, which ruins the good flow. A little work on those lines and this is a winner.





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