Birdsong
by
James Shammas
(Age: 44)
copyright 06-12-2005
Age Rating: 7 to 127
Oh, lone dove! sitting singly, firmly perched,
I long to hear your slow rising song--
From whence it came-- above or blindly searched?
Do you sing for one or a hundred strong?
Hint at its true intent, for it may be
I will corrupt this tune, so finely sung
With yet my own self-serving melody,
Shutting us both in this prison wrung
Of human speech-- such first-rate babble.
So sing it loud, in highest heights, so pure,
That I might not stumble and waffle
Off this perch, my own unsettled and unsure,
Waiting patiently, in search of the day
When I'll simply hear what you have to say.
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Your writing seems more and more to improve each time. Though the first line confuses me: "swaying singly".
But you're right...human speech does corrupt the purity of our songs with words...we're limited by our vocabulary, as well as by how far our vocabulary can go. It also limits us from hearing what is said without words.
But watch, one day you will...
...and he'll be doing something like demanding pancakes.
I like the ebb and flow of this sonnet. It is not as heavy as some of the others and is not as weighed down by its own words...If we could be as clear and true in our 'language' as the birds are in their songs would we be happier? I don't know...being human we have the need to complicate, conspire and control that which catches our interest whether or not it is good for us or others....You are doing quite well with this one.
It is in the nature of Nature to shield us from her mysteries. The song of a bird is mysterious in nature, let alone its persistent calls. I think that this poem is beautiful in structure, but there are a few phrases that interrupt its flow. "Swaying singly," is one of them. The word singly interrupts the flow. "I long so to hear," The word, "So," interrupts the flow as well. I would simply say, "I long to hear..." There are outstanding phrases as well. "Do you sing for one or a hundred strong?" I think this is a beautiful phrase. "Encasing us both in this prison wrung
Of human speech-- such first-rate babble." This phrase is Shakespearian in style and grace. I think you have a top-notched poem here. But again, some words are impeding its progress.
Welcome !
