A very short story
by
Brian Dickenson
(Age: 73)
copyright 06-22-2005
Age Rating: 18 to 127
The man stood in the darkened doorway, just out of the street-lamps yellow sodium glow.
He drew on his cigarette, illuminating his face very briefly.
Thoughts chased each other through his head.
He must come this way, it’s the shortest route from the club. But what if he doesn’t?
I can’t afford another nights waiting, or I’ll be in trouble.
At last, the sound of footsteps broke the silence.
The figure of a man passed under a street-lamp some yards away.
It’s him.
Quickly he ground the cigarette beneath his foot.
His breathing quickened. I can’t back down now he thought.
The man drew level, head down, not noticing the figure in the doorway.
The man stepped from his concealment. The walking man stopped in surprise.
‘Hey what are you doing here’? He said with a smile.
The smile vanished as he saw the gun.
‘I think you know why I’m here brother, I have a job to do. You should never have tried to go against the family’.
A look of horror came on the others face.
Three shots rang out. His face disappeared in a cloud of red.
The shooter pocketed his gun, turned, and walked away unhurriedly.
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I should have read this a long time ago, Brian. Judging from the content of this story, the title is appropriate for a good reason. As you implied, anyone who goes against "the family" usually ends up having a short story... it was quick and messy, much like an old-school mob hit. But it was also polished as far as grammar, style, and substance, much like a well-dressed "made man" carrying a Tommy gun. If you expanded a bit on the circumstances (family, character names, etc.) you would have a great work on your hands, but as it stands it is pretty good. Sorry for the mob similes, but it seemed to suit the situation... 8)
And it does make you wonder... beneath all the machismo, the codes of silence, and the Machiavellian politics, do any of the mobsters that have to kill a "brother" feel like Cain? Do they have any hint of remorse, even if it is only in their hearts? Solid work, Sir Brian. Keep it up.
This story tells of New York Gang Life. The family doesn't really exhist....or does it? This was the usually routine back in the day. Cement shoes and bellies full of lead, you don't cross Guido! Good story and a good read! Anthony
A very provocative story you have here Brian...It can stand on its own as a 'short' story or it could a very interesting introduction to a crime/adventure/detective style novel. What led up to this confrontation is the question that grabbed me first and then what happens to 'Cain after he killed 'Abel'? And who or what is the 'family'? Or, again it can remain a short pithy story that shocks the reader into imagining his own answers to the questions...Good story..
Jean
As Debra said: very haunting. You developed the story-line very quickly and left the reader
dazed. I especially liked the line, "His face disappeared in a cloud of red."
Welcome !
