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In the Holy Land
by James Shammas (Age: 44)
copyright 06-28-2005


Age Rating: 13 to 127

 
You did not die today,
after you split my face
with an axe of love.

Suicide bombers do
(and you get to go with them!),
singing "God is good,

God is great."

No, our brothers live,
picking out the shrapnel
from seared, stinging skin:

The blue, burning steel
we pick from flesh
forever burns your fierce

and awesome god.




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07-08-2005 Jean George    

This is getting better...The title now shows that there are two people involved in a dysfunctional relationship and the first lines correctly introduces the topic of violence as the moving force behind the poem...this is less ambiguous...I'll email you with my only other suggestions....Keep going, they say that revision is the life's blood of good poetry! ( I read that in "Best Words, Best Order")


07-01-2005 Jean George    

There is not enough detail given to flesh out the strong and anguished imagery. This is more a great beginning than a completed poem, it leaves one wondering and hoping you will return and tell us more. Your title is intriguing and gives the impression of someone who instead of teaching is using their power of position to attack instead....I want more, Jim!
Jean


07-01-2005 Roger Crique    

With very few words, you've managed to paint a very powerful picture of a wounded heart. The images are like when one views snapshots, quickly, one after the other. You selected your words carefully to construct this picture and I must say that you were very effective doing this.
"Your's lies alive," this line needs to be fixed.
Other than that, this is like a hand grenade! Great job!


06-29-2005 David Pekrul    

James, your poetry always intrigues me. This poem sounds so dark and serious, but I don't quite know what it means. But I must say, it is interesting.


Visitor Reads: 339
Total Reads: 355
Comments: 4

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