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Wonderful and beautiful description of what would be considered an odd hobby. I'm guessing you have done it at least once, right? I love your imagery and your flow is great. But I did find one problem. Your rhyme in the fourth stanza seems a bit forced. But other then that this is wonderful. Keep up the good work.
~Brittney~
this was wonderful!
it reminded me a little bit of dr. seuss.
you have a delicious little style here, very neat.
except...
line 28: the comma after "fishes" is superfluous.
Good.
Joy-joy, happiness, joy-joy happiness,
Enjoy my given you peace;
Our ship for sure will enter the great sea,
How you will answer to the great job, I’ll see;
And seaming simple, but great, deep one line:
Creation offline, creation online.
I feel the way you catch the reader's attention in the first line is brilliant, and the way there after makes one feel as if their right there in the water,I went on a journey when reading this, it did in my opinion what its suppose too. As far as anything else I'm sorry didn't notice I'll have to reread it, I was too busy waiting for the treasure to be found.
I got the same feeling after reading this poem as I did after watching the movie Jaws lol. I thought the poem was very entertaining, with good word choices, end-rymes, and structure. I'm not
100% sure about the rhythm, I kept stumbling over some commas lol O_O.
Amen! Love your writing! I know exactly what you are saying. Livin in Hawaii has given me many of those opportuities. It a glorious feeling. It took me there.
This is without a doubt an incredible poem. It really creates great visuals in my mind and I enjoyed reading it. You are so great at poetry. Keep up the awesome work!
You abandoned your rhyming scheme in the second stanza. But the rest of the poem is outstanding. I had a lot of fun scuba diving with this poem. I was able to visualize the diving process and even got stuck on some pesky kelp! I think you did a marvelous job explaining the process and the price one pays for surfacing too early. I owe you five points. I'm out at the moment!
Spoken like a man who knows what he's doing. My son has his diving ticket, but hasn't been out doing much. I took a quick swimming pool orientation in Costa Rica a couple years ago, but I don't think I'd be comfortable with it, although it sounds quite romantic.
I did this with my father a few times and it is wonderful. There is a place in Florida called Crystal River and you can read the label on the tanks when the divers are down 60 feet, while your on the boat! I just snorkel now, but I remember! Anthony
Welcome !
