My Morning
by
Tina Z.
(Age: 15)
copyright 08-22-2005
Age Rating: 4 to 127
Tick tock, tick tock
Goes the clock
Then all of a sudden it stops
And out of it a noise pops
Beep, beep, beep, beep it goes
Outside it snows.
The alarm goes off after beeping some more
I get out of bed and step onto the floor
“It’s so cold!” I shriek
My brother wakes up and starts to freak
My mom comes in and calms him down
Then she turns to me with a frown
In an angry voice my mom say, “Get on your way!”
“Fine, I’m going, I’m going,” I say.
After brushing my teeth I come my hair.
To myself I say, “Why do I have to go to school? It’s not fair!”
On my way to the kitchen I see a bug
I quickly pick it up and stuff it in a mug
I give the mug to my bro
Who sees the bug and lets it go
“Nice try,” he says with a devilish laugh
I push him and he drops the mug, whish breaks in half
My dad wakes up and starts to yell
“Seriously, it is like you kids came from hell!”
All goes quiet when there’s a knock on the door
Embrace yourself for more
I open the door and there’s our neighbor standing still
My mom exclaims, “Com in, Mr. Phill!”
My dad is still standing in his underwear
And all we do is stand and stare
Mr. Phill faints and drops on the floor.
My dad starts to yell some more
We get out of our pajamas and put on some decent clothes and call 911
My mom says, “Now look what you’ve done!”
The ambulance comes and takes Mr. Phill away.
The police officer says, “ Have a nice day.”
We eat breakfast and I go to my bus stop and wait
I keep on wondering, Am I late?
Just as I’m about to go home
The bus comes and opens the door opens, I look at the bus driver who resembles a gnome
I sit with my friend and she asks me
“How was your morning? Mine was as good as good can be!”
I sigh and say,
“The usual, like every day.”
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I strongly suggest that you fix your grammar, spelling, punctuation, sentence structure, capitalization, and a few other things I'm forgetting... You gave this piece good descriptions, and the hellish mornings I share. Almost every morning, I wake up to hearing my parents fighting. lol, I liked the Mr. Phill stuff though... Even though any poem that has "tick tock" gets me singing, "Tick tock the wicked witch is dead!" Don't ask, it was a poem by Rich Reed Jr... Anyhow, good work, keep writing.
May the divine darkness be with you,
Leigh of the Commenting Crusaders
I think this is a cool poem and I'm not sure i don't get something mr. phill comes every day and faints on the floor but althogh this is really good and very long to and also when you get on the bus your freind is paula right?
Also (I missed this) the sentence where the bus driver opens the door is too long and doesn't make sense.
Is is the fact that you made a spelling error?
I don't know...
Fix it up.
And, on the other comment...
Typical family?
Is a typical family one in which your father is in his underwear when the neighbor comes in and in which calling 911 in the morning is normal?
Get back to me on that one....
um, adding to what Roger said, you said 'come' instead of 'comb'.
and, my mom says 'com' should be 'come'
nice poem, i liked it, but in one or two places the rhymes seemed forced or like they didn't make sense.
The sentence where you call 911 is a bit too long, maybe you can shorten it a bit?
And is the friend in the end Sabiha?
Whatevs, just fix up what I told you to and it will be worth 4 points.
Oh, my goodness! This is awesome! Did you really write this? This is funny, and well written, full of daily family life and sibling mischief. You are very talented. I enjoyed this immensely! In one of your sentences you wrote, "open the doors," twice. And when you say, "Mom say," it should be Mom says. Otherwise, this is a wonderful look into the typical American family! Great, Tina!
Welcome !
