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~My Fall, My Faith~
by
Jeniffer Brand
(Age: 43)
copyright 09-01-2005
Age Rating: 10 +
I've come so far, I beat the odds, my life was going well.
Then one blessed day, I woke up early to find I was in hell!
The room is spinning, my hands are shaking, my tears are hot and burn.
"NO NOT AGAIN"! I can't go down, I'm here, NOT in that urn!
Don't let this happen, please not again, just what did I do wrong?
There was no answer, no intuition, all feelings, they where gone!
I'm in the darkness, I look around, and I spot a tiny light.
It's far away but I'm moving closer, it's giving me some sight.
My eyes, they open, I'm still alive, thank God I'm still on earth!
I didn't do it and I'm still breathing, God gave me back my worth!
Though very shaky, I move along to find where I fit in.
The Pastor's hand, he reaches out, not worried about my sin.
He sets me down, and very carefully tells me about the truth.
Slowly talking, guiding me back, as if I'm still in my youth.
I'm understanding, the voice is calling, "the block", it slowly dies.
God, again is hearing me, I feel the heat, my stomach has butterflies.
Please don't leave! Don't let ME leave, just HANG ON for me tight!
For all my sin and what I've done, I'll someday try to make it right.
Love,
Jenny
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Comments on this Article/Poem:
Click on the commenter's name to see their Author's Page
09-02-2005
David Pekrul
This is filled with lots of emotion and can be interpreted to fit many situations. I will not comment further on that aspect, but to say that I liked this very much.
However, I will critique some of the spelling, tenses and such (hang on, here it comes).
"I've come so far, I beat the odds, my life was going well." Your tenses here waver back and forth. It would be more consistent if it read like this "I've come so far, I've beaten the odds, my life is going well."
"Then one blessed day, I woke up early to find I was in hell!". To keep the present tense, this should read, "Then one blessed day, I wake up early to find that I'm in hell!"
"The room is spinning, my hands are shaking, my tears are hot and burn (should be 'burning')."
"Don't let this happen, please not again, just what did I do wrong?" This could possibly be put in quotations, as you seem to be speaking out loud, because you mention in the next line that there was no answer. Also "they where (should be 'were') gone!"
"just HANG ON for (should be 'to') me tight!"
These are just suggestions, but I think they would make this piece read much better.
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09-02-2005
James Shammas
Jennifer, I'm glad you are back at P-n-P and strong enough to express yourself. I have always been glad to comminicate with you and help each other, especially through our poetry. If the subject of this poem is a sinner, or is you, well then so am I. We are all individually a part of this human race, and contribute who we are, regardless of any labels. Where do such labels really come from, anyway? You know the saying about the sinner and the saint just exchanging notes?
The people who love you always forgive, and please learn to forgive yourself for feelings that are not really you.
JIm
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09-02-2005
Anthony Lane Stahlhut
If we make a wrong turn and find ourselves growing down that dark road, there are always methods to turn around. Faith tells us that God will be there and all we must do is ask for his help. Sometimes its hard to understand the answer, but the message is clear. Life is a learning experience and we all travel some roads that we don't really want to go down. They make us stronger in the end. This was a nice poem to read, what ever the form! Anthony
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09-01-2005
Roger Crique
I'm not quite sure what' going on here, Jeniffer. Is this piece about suicide? But more importantly, I think that the use of upper case words are a bit distracting and affect the fluidity of your poem. Also, the format you used is again, distracting to the eye. I would divide it into stanzas, it gives the eyes a break. This piece is loaded with sensory imagery and has a very interesting plot, but you may need to clarify what's going on.
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