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On Line
Ryan Pikaard
Robert Betts
Jennifer Weber
3 Writers

Chris Leone
Louvenia Desray Sypolt
Melissa Adams
Cortney C.
4 Free Members

7 Members
40 Guests

A Simple Attraction
by Jeniffer Brand (Age: 38)
copyright 09-23-2005


Age Rating: 13 to 127

 
Is it right to be attracted to someone you shouldn't be?
You try not to think of it even when he is all you can really see.

The feelings are hid tight though they have always been there.
You almost go crazy with every smile, brisk touch, or even a stare!

Nothing about this can ever be revealed nor can it be right.
You tell yourself this while alone, holding your pillow very tight!

"But he is so beautiful on the inside and out"!
You justify your feelings by wanting to shout!

The sensuous attraction, the needing, the kiss,
You'll never know cause these things you won't even miss.

Keep your feelings hid tight for they can never be real!
You can't let down your guard for something you seem to feel!

What is better, a good lover or a greater friend?
Think about this when it all comes down to the end!


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12-20-2005 Richard Reed Jr    

Good points.

I would have preferred better rhythm in the lines.
Forgive the directness.

Rich


10-09-2005 Regina Pate    

great friends can become great lovers, and the longer they are friends first, the greater the friendship the greater the love, I will blossom all on its own or it won't try not to worry so much and one day you will see exactly what I mean. Thank you great write

Gina


09-30-2005 Deone Wiley    

There is a well thought out theme in this piece, but it needs re-writing to give it the needed poetic language and syntax. Your use of hid is incorrect. The past participle of hid is hidden; something is hidden, not hid.


09-26-2005 Michael Lindquist    

Jennifer,
Nice sentiment; mechanically it needs some work. Poetry is more than the expression of feelings and emotions, it has structure; usually in the form of rhyme, rhythm, and meter.
When you read your poem out loud ask is there:
a. A naturally flowing rhythm.
b. Excellent internal/external rhyme, near-rhyme, sight or sound rhyme (but not necessarily a perfect rhyme scheme).
c. Ordinary language used in an extraordinary way.
d. Strikingly artistic imagery, vivid word-pictures, similes and metaphors.

There is, of course, so much more. But you may want to begin here as you rewrite your poem.
Good Luck.



09-24-2005 Anthony Lane Stahlhut    

I can relate to this as well. As a mater of fact there is a poem on my page about a good friendship that was expanded on, but cooled for the sake of the friendship. Its called,"Just Friends " This story sounds like one of forbidden fruit though and I suspect that the reason you can't show your feelings is because you don't want to be kicked out of the garden of Eden. If it makes you feel good then its not all bad. I wish he knew what he was missing, because you are a catch that he wouldn't throw back. I love you,too! Anthony


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