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On Line
Richard Reed Jr
Jordan Screws
June Nazarian
Leigh G.
Frank Fields
Robert Betts
6 Writers

Katie Langolf
1 Free Members

7 Members
35 Guests

Here
by Tiffany Forster (Age: 21)
copyright 10-24-2005


Age Rating: 7 to 127

 
Here’s to what never was
Our dance is weaving still
The time and tempo, quick
The lines we lay will catch us yet
The future is not yet set.

Here’s to you and I
The stars of tomorrow’s night
To laugh, to live, to follow through
To lay each our path, side by side
Or to, in the darkness, hide

Here’s to Romeo and Juliet
The lovers joined in death
Tides of will did not part
Their hearts of true passion, filled
Their message shall ne’er be killed

Here’s to the morn
With rays of gold and red
Who will wake us from our dream
To greet the day of joy and fear
And bring us ever near

Here’s to the future
And of the choices that will come
To the trials of life and loss
Pray we walk not shadows, black
And love we never lack

Here’s to what never was
Though the dance is weaving still
Its time and tempo, quick
The lines we lay will catch us yet
Our future’s still not set.

And to the walls that keep us in
And the inhibitions great
To loose and love is life’s great game
To live for others is a folly true
To live life well, live for you.


((It's a slightly awkward flow, I was trying this with five lines, not four, like I tend to stick with. This was the result...-.-))


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Comments on this Article/Poem:
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03-17-2006 Richard Reed Jr    

No NO, your flow was good. your structure was good. Love seeing those stanzas. Good end-rhymes and with your good poetic voice. I think I liked this best of all your pieces, so far.
Best for me was:

Here’s to the morn
With rays of gold and red
Who will wake us from our dream
To greet the day of joy and fear
And bring us ever near

Excellent write!

Rich
12-10-2005 Haley R.    

Nice flowing, and beautiful...

That's all I have to say...

~haley

p.s. I'm starting to become very fond of your writing. I can't wait to read more!
11-06-2005 Deborah Thomas    

I liked the flow, no need to explain it. It's very 'you' and the piece is beautiful. I figured out the sequence of rhyme in the first stanza, so the rest I was able to focus on and be drawn in by it's meaning. I like the refenrence to awkwardness in the first stanza.. reguarding the dance. Well worth a second read. The only thing I see that you may change is as David says; 'to lose'. Looking for more! Your friend, Debbie
11-06-2005 David Pekrul    

Very well written, flows well and has great sentiment. One very small critique:
"To loose (should be 'lose') and love is life’s great game"
Visitor Reads: 361
Total Reads: 396
Comments: 4

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