Another Blog In Time...
by
Mary -BrytEyz- Ball
(Age: 38)
copyright 11-02-2005
Age Rating: 10 to 127
With millions of blogs posted daily (or is that hourly?), time and time again I am amazed by how often I run across someone I know or once knew.
Did you ever have someone in your past that you wish was still in your life, but that somehow time and circumstance just didn't allow it to be? Did you ever go on wishing them the best, no matter what happened in the past?
Well, today I found a site and ended up at the blog of an old bud. I read so many things about what's been going on in his life; the good, the bad, the ugly. There was so much to say, but I didn't want to re-enter it now... it's been so long.
It was nice to "hear from him" in a sense. However, I couldn't get over all the pain, the sorrow, and the agony he's experienced. I cried with every word he typed and wanted to reach out to him, to lend an ear, to give him a shoulder to lean on. But the distance is just too far, the time too long - too late, and the circumstances much too great.
Somehow I wish we were as close as we once were, and then I could write or phone and tell him I was there for him. I could tell him that this old friend still cared... and it would help him, and it would still matter. But some bridges burn behind us when we cross over them and I figured it better to just leave quietly after secretly evesdropping in on his blog. That's what I SHOULD have done.
Instead I subscribed to the site with an alternate pen name, and I carefully wrote meaningful comments on each and every blog he posted in order to help lift his spirits without giving away who I was... Until the last one. I couldn't help it. This is what I wrote:
------------------------
I remember a time, so very long ago,
where two friends lay a-top a picnic table
in the middle of the almost-chilly night
studying the blanket of stars above them
and discussing philosophical questions.
I remember thinking we were all like fire flies,
trapped in this suffocating jar of a world,
with only promised freedom beyond it's boarders,
and as the air thickens in humid desperation,
we deliriously dream of a time long ago and far away...
when we were truly free.
I remember a time, when we were friends
... I with you, and you with me
Then as our lives progressed and the sun rose
when the firefly's light lost it's charm
and things once special just weren't any more
when other things caught God's attention
and the forgotten lay trapped in an old memory
the show was over and life either went on
or it didn't, it was up to us to decide
One day we found that some made it a home
the caterpillars made cocoons in twigs
while the ants made hills of shifting sand
they went on with their lives and lived them
while this firefly kept bumping at the lid
wanting more than what was available at the time
wishing for something vaguely in the past
Some, they really tried to go on living
while others died trying not to
my light kept shining as a beacon
so powers that be let me out of the cage
to illuminate the night for others to see
and for awhile I thought it a relief
But I didn't fly too far before I saw
that my freedom had caged my happiness
and after I flew back I found to my dismay
once you leave, you can never return
so I watched from afar as you emerged
from your cocoon a beautiful butterfly
I was happy for your beauty and your re-birth
I was glad that you found the strength to live
I only wanted what was best for you, you know
and gave you everything I once had to give
but you don't wear that ring any more
and it's more than the past you've put behind you
So I'll fly as time permits and glow as I can
to share the gift I've been given with others
my duty, my job, my calling if you will as I
put aside the smaller things that shouldn't matter
and try to forget the selfish desires of my youth
fame, fortune, stardom, and of course... you
But maybe one day you'll happen to fly free
and once or twice, chance to think of my light
or maybe you'll even try to look for me online
Oh, mercy! Wouldn't that be a "hoot" and a half?
but hopefully you won't ever find me, please don't
for I wouldn't want you where I am today
wondering, wishing, dreaming...
about another blog in time
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Thank you, Aunt BJ... yes, I too believe that whatever kept a couple from staying together one time, will be their undoing a second, a third, or however many times they keep trying.
I did end up meeting with him again... for as hard as tried to veil my identity... we WERE very close and he immediately knew it was me.
When I saw him again, I was quickly refreshed with all the MANY reasons I left him behind and THIS TIME I left happy with the thought that I'd made the right choice so many years ago (and again when we met the 2nd time around). Only this time... I didn't have that longing... pang in my stomach... regret in the back of my mind. I had closure and peace of mind. It was nice for a change, you know?
Isn't it funny though, how sometimes you only remember the really good things? I actually tried to go back once, remembering all the fun, only to be slapped in the face with reality once again. It ended the same way it did the first time, for all the same reasons. Which is obviously different than your situation. But I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. God has plans for all of us. Thank you Mary.
Anthony, you're always so insightful. You read me like a book, you know that? Yes, he was a dear and precious friend... and yes, we were more than "just" friends. At the time, I was free, and he wasn't. So, we stole a few moments and kept those treasures buried in our hearts to warm our memories on cold and bitter nights. I could have waited, to see if he'd ever be free... but that wasn't practical, nor was it wise. Besides, I had other obligations that drew me in other directions and so I went to tend to them.
Life has a way of sucking us in directions we may not wish to go, it's undercurrents ripping our feet out from under us in the tide... yes, that can come as quite the surprise at times. And so it did. I ended up back with my husband after three years of being separated, talking of the details of divorce on our wedding anniversary... only to end the evening discussing the possibility of reconciliation. I thought heavy and hard about all my other options, and many I didn't see as options at all. My obligation to keep my word to God and to my husband, my duty to try it again and perhaps try harder to make it work... I did what I felt I should.
Imagine my surprise to run across this man's blog only to find that he'd later gone through a divorce and to read all the nasty things his wife had done to him. To read of his pain and his helplessness, to feel the agony in his blogs and writings... sigh. I felt the sudden urge to go to him and hold him and tell him things would be ok. I wanted to make life better for him, to bring that old smile back to his face I used to do so easily. Only now, shackled to my promises... I stayed put. I tried to send a little something his way, to remind him that there were memories he holds in his heart that if he chose to ponder... may make him smile once again.
That was all I could do... and perhaps more than I should have done. Perhaps we'll meet again some day, but I don't see what good it would do. Perhaps some things are just better left unsaid, and some books... better left unwritten, ... unread. :-(
Anthony, David, Walter... Thank you for your kind words and thorough comments. I treasure them all... each and every one!
Friends are friends. Sometimes our lives grow apart and it's true the statement that you can't go back, but you can go forward. This sounds like a lost lover and that is different from a lost friend. Once romance is involved it gets really sticky to go back. I found it difficult to see my 1st wife, when I went to my daughters wedding some 20 years after I had been divorced. So I understand you being cautious. Still just finding someone that you lost is a great feeling. I like your method of engagement with the old "friend" and hope sometime in the future you will be able to talk to him. It will be good for you and him. Good write and I hope you let us see you around some more, but I know that life doesn't always help out. Love and kisses to you and yours, Anthony
A voice so pure filled, emotion screaming, thought and warmth, images dancing wild, so much, so good, Feelings come up from the depth of my soul, Fantastic write.. Walt
Welcome !
