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On Line
Marjorie Jenkins
Vivien D.
Robert Betts
Andrea P.
4 Writers

0 Free Members

4 Members
31 Guests

Hard to Breathe
by Tiffany Forster (Age: 21)
copyright 11-09-2005


Age Rating: 13 to 127

 
I知 finding it hard to breathe
You have pulled me so far under
All thoughts I may have had
Are now all asunder

This thing that I知 feeling
This hope and strange trust
Are invoked by you
And kindle a new lust

They tell me to follow you
To be always by your side
And now what I am feeling
I surely cannot hide

What is this feeling I have
That pulls me towards you
I try to fight against it
But I can稚 see through

I try to pull myself up
And fight against these waves
But each time I知 pulled under again
And my resistance slowly caves

I知 finding it hard to breathe
I知 drowning in something new
I知 enveloped by this feeling
Of falling in love with you.


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12-22-2005 Richard Reed Jr    

Tiffany,

I always love the romantic voice which soothes me in all of your writings.

I agree with David, breaking it into stanzas would improve it immensely.
I think that rhythmically it could flow a bit better, but that's just "nits".

Rich



11-09-2005 David Pekrul    

I think this is very romantic and sweet! It reads well, but I think it would read better if you broke it into four line stazas.
Also, one spelling error, and this is a biggie:
"I surly (the word should be 'surely') cannot hide"
'Surly' means "rude", and surely that is not what you meant.


11-09-2005 Roger Crique    

Falling in love is exciting and breathtaking. But it generally does not make for good poetry. But I like the way you have expressed your feelings and how you're not sure of what it is really that has happened to you. Hey, go for it!


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