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On Line
Jaycee S.
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Sand trapped Mind
by Ernest Lozon (Age: 54)
copyright 11-24-2005


Age Rating: 10 to 127

 
I stood at the edge of this quiet, deserted shoreline,
staring across the ocean's eternal surface.
Heat rays create a haze of solitude along it's horizon,
as I watch in awe with a sand trapped mind.

I see groups of images dancing on top the settle water,
like a prom night setting of faint figurines.
Unclear of their presence and unsure of their reason,
this special sight continued to intrigue me.

I close my eyes and raise my arms to surrender myself,
to a cool, calm breeze surrounding my domain.
Soft voices were heard from within the moderate winds,
as they intermix, filling my mind with stories.

The water began to corrugate from a far out distance,
sending it's ripples as a gift of pleasure.
Like domino's they work in sequence to their destination,
exposing my body with visions from the ocean.

Secrets revealed along this quiet, deserted shoreline,
as I stare across the vast body of water.
I continue my exploration of the ocean's great wonders,
standing alone with my sand trapped mind.


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11-28-2005 Jean George    

Yes...the tense changing is a bit disconcerting and you use the passive voice('Images could be seen')when the stronger first person voice (I see images)creates more drama and keeps the flow of the poem strong. Now, having said this...none of it reduces in the slightest the sense of intrigue and the wonderful sense of imagery produced by such visuals as the 'prom night figurines dancing' and the 'corrugating waves'. Very vivid and unusual descriptions. This is an excellent poem and with minor tinkering could become outstanding.


11-24-2005 Deborah Thomas    

I see what David and Roger are talking about with the past and present tense.. but I am guilty of that as well and have been called on it. In this case, I see it as it is written.. I feel it as it seems to be talking about a previous experience, then closing my eyes, I am there in THAT time. So, to me, there is a 'method to the madness'. I fade in and out of 'time' in my thoughts and fantasies as well.
I can see myself, standing on a beach... my feet melting into the sand.. I see the ripples on the calm sea.. I close my eyes and I travel back in time... gazing at the untold history it has witnessed... with my eyes closed.
Sand trapped.. unable to move.. unable to think of anything else but the sea. Hours, or was it only a moment?
I will return to this page often, for a 5 minute vacation!
Debbie


Visitor Reads: 276
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Comments: 2

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