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A Summer in Britain
Chapter 3
by Haley R. (Age: 15)
copyright 12-04-2005


Age Rating: 10 to 127

 
*Note: Please chapter 1 (Put under stories on accident) and chapter 2 before reading the following chapter.

***********
Hey Jules,

You know, I never knew how hard it can be to be on a plane for so long. Though I'm sitting on my lazy butt in first class, I'm still eager to get to my dad's house. And I'm not saying this because I want to see him. In fact, that's the last thing I want to do, but I DO want to stroll around town... I'll email you again when I get to my dad's house.

~May
***************


I sent my email and quietly sat back in my chair. "El Fatso" is asleep again, and the stewardess won't answer my calls, so I really don't have anything entertaining to do. I turned onto my side, then lowered the seat down. *I deserve a little nap,* I thought as I closed my eyes and started to drift off. Suddenly, the intercom turned on and made a loud screeching noise causing me to immediately wake. The screeching noise grew louder, in fact, so loud that even "El Fatso" woke up. Finally, the noise ceased, and the voice of the pilot came out of the intercom.
"Sorry about that," he said in a quiet voice with a British accent, "So, we will be landing in London in a few minutes, so please fasten your seat belts and put your chairs and trays in the upright position. It is now 9:00 am in London, England. We hope you have enjoyed riding with us."
I slowly put all my stuff in my backpack and put my chair up.
*Wonderful, five hours forward,* I thought as I put my backpack over my shoulder.

The landing part of the ride was fine, except for the fact that "El Fatso" was asleep and drooling again. When the plane finally came to a stop the pilot came back onto the intercom, "Welcome to London. Please exit out of the..." I didn't even listen to "The Welcome Speech," I was too excited. I stepped happily into the isle, almost skipping, then I grabbed my bag from the overhead compartment and walked off the plane and on my way to paradise.

I waited outside of the airport, with bags in hand, for what seemed like forever. Finally a black limo pulled up in front, and a butler like man stepped out of the plane from the driver's side and walked up to me.
"Good Morning," said the man in a British accent with just a little bit of of French in his voice, "Welcome to London. I'm so sorry I'm late, I wasn't told I was to pick you up..."
"No prob," I said simply, "So, where's my dad?"
The man shook his head and reached out to take my bag, "I'm sorry, but he could not meet you at the airport. I'm afraid, he was quite busy in a breakfast meeting. He asked me to come drive you to the house."
"Just like dad," I said to myself.
"Did you say something miss?" he asked me curiously. I simply shook my head and tucked my loose hairs from my ponytail behind my ears. The man took my suitcase and helped me take off my backpack. Then he placed them in the trunk and opened the door for me. I, surprised by his gesture, stepped into the limo.

The limo driver then went into the front seat and put the car in gear, then drove off. The man fixed to rear view mirror so he could see me in the reflection, then began to talk.
"We are only fifteen minutes away, so it shouldn't be too long," he said, "Would you like to listen to some music on the way?"
"Yes...," I said, then, remembering my manners I added a polite, "Please." The man nodded, still watching me from the review mirror, and turned on some random techno song I'd never heard of. I rolled down my window and let the wind softly blow on my face as the car rolled down the road. *Oh, now I want to be home again.*




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06-03-2006 Sam Hackel-Butt    

Details needed on the butler/chauffeur, about the airport maybe, the interior of the limo, etc... after an ellipses (...) you don't need to add a comma. IF the butler/chauffeur is going to be watching our main Char. mucho detail is needed. Maybe the main Char. is worried about how messy her (insert color of hair here) hair is, or if she had something on her face, or between her teeth. Something like that.

So now we see that the father is rich. This reminds me of a movie with Amanda Bines or Bynes in it so far. Keep it up!

-Sam
Of the Commenting Crusaders


04-11-2006 Jane L.    

Sorry for critisizing everything but like if you ajust the rear view mirror you can crash beause it's used to see if there are cars behind.


12-06-2005 Leigh G.    

Very good. Even though it's too short you could combine some of these chapters into one. There are a few spelling and grammar mistakes but only a few tiny ones. Good work not as funny as the last but still very good. :) Even though you need to develop your character soon to be characters better. And you need to add more events to the story. When I wrote my...let's just call it a book, Oblivion I only had one conflict. Big mistake. With every chapter you should add a new development to the story. Don't go crazy but add some thing were you see fit. So... When the romance coming in? well, either way good work in only I had time to read the next chapter right now... Good work keep it fluent. Oh and, lower the age rating. Good work.


12-04-2005 Mehrina B.    

Haley, that was funny! I thought that was pretty good, except that it needed to be longer. Please delve more into the story with each chapter! Make the chapters longer! There was an insufficient amount of info in here. You know I can't live without enough info! WRITE MORE IN EACH CHAPTER, PLEASE!!!!?!! Also, it seems to me as though May is going to fall in love with the butler. Didn't you say something about a romance is going to develop in this book? Hmmm... looks like the butler is already obsessed with May. One more thing. I thought your spelling and grammar was unusually good! In fact, it was almost clean! I said almost. There were still some glitches, but on the whole, this chapter was really good! But I really, really think that you could add more events to each chapter. It seems as though you're determined to concentrate every chapter to a single event. Good job, Haley!


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