My Muse
by
Tabitha Beaudin
(Age: 30)
copyright 01-03-2006
Age Rating: 10 to 127
Picture Credits:
Dark faeries of the underworld, you come at the fall of dawn
like the glistening spindles of a spiders web. The trapped
shadows of last night kill are wrapped neatly in the corners
of your eyes.
And with transparent wings folded against the contours of your body
you slither your way into my psyche. Your immoral laughter foretells
of the fables to come. As our memories entwine, I sink further into
the realm of nightmares.
You are like Black Death, spreading your vows through my poetic
voice, twisting your darkness into my creativity, until I unleash you.
In words I praise you, giving homage to your wickedness. And one
day, thanks to you, I will be on the best-sellers list. The only price: my humanity.
Dark faeries of the world rejoice for now is your moment.
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I followed two-thirds of the Red Queen's advice: I began reading your submissions at the beginning, continued until I came to the [present] end, but I did not then stop but came back to the beginning to reread and comment.
I love the way you have used the imagery of the spinning of thread in this poem: spindles being rods for twisting and winding thread and then later the faeries ability to twist together your thoughts and theirs.
Two small quibbles beyond those mentioned by others. First, did you mean "best-sellers' list"? Second, a jarring change in number between 'dark faeries' in stanza 1 and 'your body' in stanza 2. If you change the former to the singular or the latter to the plural or make it 'the body' the incongruity disappears.
I really like this work and was fascinated with the dilemma faced by the narrator seeing the bad that is happening to her/him but somehow being unable to do anything about it -- rather like a spider's victim. I liked this poem on first reading but it pays higher dividends on rereading.
I am looking forward to further of your works and am going on to comment on your other works now.
Thanks for all your kind comments everyone. Just to clear up a few word choices that some ppl have wondered bout. I well love to take odd things, that ppl usually assoicate with happy, things and twist them into things of darkness. So thats why I chose the words dark Faries. and yes, I know bout that one spelling error, I am just really lazy right now.
Like David said... I believe it should be "last night's kill"
And like Leigh and Deborah said... "Dark Faeries" seems a bit odd. I have read of dark spirits, dark visions, dark forces, but faeries always bring a joyful, giddy, little girl innocence to mind. So, it was kind of oxymoronish when I read it.
I do agree, that immorality and wickedness lead to loss of humanity... and it seemed to me like you were morphing into a Stephen King mini-me here. (Shudders) I think one is enough in the world. LOL.
You were going for "dark" and I think you accomplished that. With some tweeking, it can be really good!
Not half bad. All things need to be re-approved after the age rating being lowered or pulled higher. The poem is okay, and the descriptions are good but it's just... Well, it's not very flowing even though the word choice is good. The Dark Faeries bit threw me off a bit, even though the rest was pretty good. The last two sentences aren't very supportive to the story that's being told in the rest of the poem. It's not too bad, even though "I" is always capitalized and you should reed over the grammar. In the long run, you're pretty good.
May the divine darkness be with you,
Leigh of the Commenting Crusaders
I don't get it, why is this suddenly not approved. I just changed the age limit, because after looking very carefully at all my poems, I felt 13 was too old for this. I also wanted to enter the dark item contest. So yes why can I suddently not enter the contest since I ve changed the age limit and why I am I no longer approved? Thanks all, I also sent Bob an email regarding this but well thought I would be through.
-shuddering and shaking my head-
a little too real for me.. nightmares and dark magic.. I love faeries, but I feel like I am falling into a 'mind trap'.. ya know? like I'm reading something dark that will find a home in my thoughts, whether or not I like it!
But your technique is apparent and true to your own unique style. You have talent. And your flair for drama has gotten the attention of Roger, which is a compliment in itself.. he is a 'master' of dramatic prose.
As for Tiffany handing you a cookie AND a coffee! I am jealous! all I have ever gotten was a cookie! but I am eternally grateful to her for that gesture...
You may enjoy my one and only somewhat dark poem, 'Poe's Pen'.. BUT! You have to picture it being read by Vincent Price for it to flow correctly.. or so I think.. haha.
If you really want to make this work, all you have to do to is correct the couple of issues already mentioned below and you will have a great piece. The corrections only come if the piece is worth the trouble, so feel honored.
On to the next! Debbie
I like this. I love the language and word choice especially in the first stanza. I like the concept of the force of creativity being something that is almost beyound one's concious control, and that needs to be harnessed and yielded to-- great theme! I thought the ending was perhaps too dramatic for me. A couple of "i's" perhaps should have beeb capitolized.
I think your imagery is spectacular. You know how to weave mystery and how to keep the reader interested. Your fluidity is very good. But I noticed a few things: "spindles of a spiders web," it should be, "spider's web." Also, when you write, you need to capitalize the pronoun "I." You also mention, "Black Death," I have a little problem picturing what Black Death is? Take care.
Dark poetry is not really my thing, although I have written a couple of them. Your description is wonderful and well written.
There are a couple errors in the actual writing:
"The trapped shadows of last night kill (I think you meant (last night's kill) are wrapped neatly in the corners of your eyes."
There are also a couple 'i's that should be capitalized.
You have great descriptive abilities - there is so much clear imagery in this poem. I love the title, I love the dark portrayal of your muse. This is well written and good to read.
thank you all..ive always written on the darker side of things..it this poem just came into being..i really appreaciate all your comments and praises...
Welcome !
