Darkness Within The Light Part 1
by
Jordan Screws
(Age: 23)
copyright 04-20-2006
Age Rating: 10 to 127
*For artistic reasons, I wish to shift the perspective of this work to that of the first person. To those who have read this previously, I apologize for the confusion, and unless otherwise indicated, all future fanfics will be in the first person.
On a dark and moonlit night, I was trying to sleep, but I was wrestling with an unpleasant dream. I would see Sailor Jupiter and three figures behind a barrier of some sort. Jupiter looked at me, then ran full speed at the barricade, at that point a thin red streak appearing to strike her, then I would awaken with a start. What did this mean, if anything? And why did I start having these dreams now?
When morning finally came, I felt physically and emotionally drained from the restless night. Instead of his usual devil-may-care attitude and powerful stride, I slowly trudged off to Crossroads Junior High, barely making it before the bell rang. When I reached his class, Ami gasped and said "You look positively terrible! Did you sleep at all last night?"
"Not at all. I'll tell you why at lunch..." I replied.
The march of time seemed to be a leisurely one because I tired of class long before it started, a dramatic change from my typical eagerness to learn. After science, math, and history, the lunch bell mercifully rang, signaling the start of a stampede that was led by the eager Usagi. Walking off to the boy's bathroom, it was not until a glance in the mirror revealed what shocked Ami. My eyes were bloodshot and dark circles announced their presence!
"This isn't good. Not good at all..." I thought in understatement. With that revelation, I embarked on a slow exodus to the courtyard, fighting fatigue and the blinding sunlight that would normally not bother me. Seeing Usagi, Ami, and Makoto, I stumbled in their direction and literally fell on my face. In my lethargy, I did not notice that my foot had hit the leg of a bench and caught on it! "NOT GOOD..." I mumbled.
"What happened? Are you alright Jordan?" cried Makoto.
She grabbed my arm and nearly threw me behind her when she jerked me up out of concern for my well-being. She took a look at my face and cried "You look like the living dead! And you have a scrape on your face! It's bleeding!"
"T'is a flesh wound!" I said with a wry smile. Even lethargy and a "trip" could not kill my odd sense of humor. Usagi was next to examine the situation and add her appraisal of my appearance in her typical well-meaning but poorly worded style.
"Wow... you've seen better days! You need to get a shower and go to sleep!" said Usagi.
"I know, I know..." I said with a trace of fading patience. With that said, Ami then asked "You said you'd tell me the reason for your sleepless night earlier. What was it?" she asked.
"It involved Sailor Jupiter, three dark figures, and a dark barrier..." I said while looking around to make certain that no one else besides Usagi, Ami and Makoto heard my words. Having the need for secrecy satisfied, I continued "I don't know who was behind the barrier, but Sailor Jupiter threw herself at the barrier and a thin red streak hit her when she did it. Then I woke up..." The three girls looked puzzled, then appeared to mull things over, then looked at each other, and finally Ami said "This is odd. Let us consult Rei later!" Just as she finished that statement, it was time to return to class. Thus the time in purgatory started once more...
After school finally let out, I stumbled home, followed closely (and literally supported) by Makoto, who was playing guardian angel for her lethargic boyfriend. She helped me open my apartment door, guided me to the couch, and shut the door as I fell onto the cushioned haven like an AT-AT from The Empire Strikes Back. Face-down on what was a good impromptu bed, I fell asleep as Makoto secured the dwelling and gently nudged me so I was laying on my back and provided cover with a blanket she found in the linen closet. After this was done, she sat in a recliner and fell asleep herself...
A few hours later, Makoto looked about for a clock to ascertain the time. Finding one on Jordan's stereo, the time was 5:30 in the afternoon, and the school let out at 2:30 P.M. Jordan was still asleep, so Makoto used his telephone to contact the others and request that they should postpone the meeting at Rei's temple until around 9:30. This was quickly agreed upon by the others, and she put down the phone and waited for her boyfriend to awaken.
Around 7:30, Jordan finally awakened, much to Makoto's surprise. Far from the battered form she had known hours earlier, his bloodshot eyes had largely returned to normal and the dark circles had all but faded away.
"Yes... I have revived!" I exclaimed while striking Zero's stance from Mega Man X4.
"Great to have you back!" cried Makoto as she hugged him.
I returned it and said sheepishly "...If you don't mind, I'm going to take a shower now!" so I went about gathering a bathcloth and towel. She cheerfully said "See you at 9:30!" as she left.
It was 9:25, and everyone had gathered at Rei's shrine for a meeting. Usagi and Minako fidgeted about, Ami calmly read a book, Rei swept the grounds, Michiru and Haruka fed the crows Phobos and Deimos bird feed, and Makoto stared at the shrine arches in the distance, waiting for her boyfriend to show up.
"He's gonna be late..." muttered Usagi.
"You're one to talk about being punctual!" sniped Rei.
"My mother made her special sushi! I couldn't skip that meal!" said Usagi in her defense.
"Your stomach comes before duty..." sighed Rei.
"Yeah Rei. How typical! So Makoto, where IS that sweetheart Jordan?" asked Minako.
"Still after him? Give up already! Besides, I don't know where he is right now..." she replied with a hint of hostility.
A voice in the shadows replied "Right here..." and a figure stepped out of the shadows. Everyone jumped from surprise while Jordan laughed. Rei tried to strike him with her broom, but he caught it in one hand and said "Brooms are made for sweeping, not bludgeoning friends!" he admonished with a smile.
"You look a lot better!" Usagi declared.
"Makoto helped me when I was vulnerable, and for that I am grateful. Thanks Makoto!" I said. She smiled and winked at him.
"He always looks good to me..." chimed Minako.
"Rei, can I borrow your broom? I need to clean something up..." asked Makoto. Armed with the broom, she proceeded to chase poor Minako about the temple grounds until both parties declared a truce due to exhaustion. After this amusing interlude, everyone then turned to the business at hand.
"I've explained your dream to Rei..." said Ami.
"It seems there is dirty work afoot!" declared Rei. The priestess went on to explain that an evil force had recently revived, but she could not identify it. On top of that, Hotaru had went missing recently and no one knew where she was. That led Ami to begin thinking the situation over in her efficient style. She came to a strange conclusion that she told us hesitantly.
"This may sound farfetched, but I think Mistress 9 has returned!" said Ami as if she was uncertain of herself.
"NO WAY! I got rid of her long ago!" cried Usagi.
"What if... Wiseman has also returned?!" asked Michiru.
"Then that is not a good situation any way one looks at it... how could they come back to life now?" asked Ami.
"I know..." said a voice. A red-haired figure then stepped from the shadows and asked "Remember me?" Everyone except Jordan cried "Rubeus!" He chuckled and said "Yes, yes! You remember me! I'm so pleased, but wait a second! I brought a couple of friends along for the reunion!" With a wave of his arm, two more figures appeared, one at each side.
Reaching behind my back onto a hidden belt I wore, I tossed five small, sphere-shaped smoke grenades and yelled "Everyone run!" Rubeus laughed and said "I'll let you run now, but you can't delay the reunion forever! It'll be SO MUCH FUN!" Fleeing inside the shrine, Usagi said "We don't have much time... everyone transform!" The group transformed into their Senshi forms and I donned my armor and Moonlight Masamune. Thus prepared for battle, we stepped out into a swirling fog and began the search for Rubeus and his "friends".
It did not take long, for he and his two friends appeared from the fog shortly after the group reached a clearing mysteriously free of the fog. "Hello, hello Sailor Senshi! Meet my two friends that I am certain you know well, Wiseman and Mistress 9!" Rubeus said while leering at Jordan. "Answer me this... who's the new guy?" he asked.
"The one that's going to put you down permanently!" I replied while pointing the Moonlight Masamune at Rubeus.
"Ah yes... we'll see your capabilities soon enough!" he said while maintaining his evil leer. Suddenly the three raised their arms simultaneously, and the ground began to shake.
"What happening?!" screamed Sailor Venus to no one in particular.
"We don't want any others involved. We want just you Senshi! The three of us have a score to settle with you all... SO PREPARE TO LOSE EVERYTHING YOU HOLD DEAR!" shouted Wiseman.
"You're all going to die! Your souls will power my crystal, and your bodies will feed the ravens!" screamed Mistress 9.
"Sounds like fun for the whole family... but we'll decline!" cried Sailor Moon.
Just then, a purple vortex formed under the Senshi's feet and swallowed everyone up, sending the group plummeting towards an unknown location. Where exactly would they all land? How difficult was the battle ahead going to be? Would everyone survive the trip, let alone the battle against two of the Senshi's toughest opponents, including a foe that is one of their own?
*Thanks to Leigh G. for suggesting Wiseman and Mistress 9 as enemies! Part 2 will be coming along shortly...
Help Us Stop Plagiarism -
Nearly all works at PnP are original. However a few people choose to plagiarize.
To check, choose a phrase from the work, then either drag and drop to the search box or copy and paste.
click on search and works at Google will be shown which match. Just to be sure, please do this before
you recommend or rate the work highly...
Hey, man! It's been awhile and when you check this you'll probably be back at your apartment. Anyway, I started reading 'Darkness Within the Light 4' when I realized I forgot everything that happened previous, so I'm starting over. Then, I was shocked to see I didn't even leave you a comment on the first one! I know I read it, though, so meh. No harm done!
I found a typo:
'Instead of his usual devil-may-care attitude and powerful stride,'
Ya know, with the whole third to first-person shift, ya forgot this one :)
'When I reached his class,'
'She took a look at my face and cried "You look like the living dead! And you have a scrape on your face! It's bleeding!"'
I suggest putting a comma after 'cried.'
I do suggest toning down the exclamation marks. You can combine some sentences to reduce its usage. For example,
'You look like the living dead! And you have a scrape on your face, and it's bleeding!"'
Ok so those lines don't sound too good now, but it's just an example! Not supposed to sound good. That's your job :D
'Ami then asked "You said you'd tell me the reason for your sleepless night earlier.'
I suggest a comma after 'asked.'
'Having the need for secrecy satisfied, I continued "I don't know who was behind the barrier,'
I think you can put a period after 'continues.' It sounds good with a complete stop, then with no stop, or with a comma.
There are a few more examples of places where you can put commas before diaolgue.
One thing that sounds odd, with the narrator P.O.V., is when the narrator is asleep, yet he still tells us what goes on around him. You can really play up this part, maybe the narrator can be half-asleep and observe things through drowsy eyes before he falls asleep?
'Around 7:30, Jordan finally awakened, much to Makoto's surprise. Far from the battered form she had known hours earlier, his bloodshot eyes had largely returned to normal and the dark circles had all but faded away.'
This can either be a section forgotton, or it's from Makoto's P.O.V, but either way, it doesn't fit. Sorry bud, but you can't get away with it while I'M reading :D Busted.
The dialogue and stuff later on, when the gals are waiting for the narrator doesn't fit, either. Might need to go back and do some editing.
'A voice in the shadows replied "Right here..." and a figure stepped out of the shadows. Everyone jumped from surprise while Jordan laughed. Rei tried to strike him with her broom, but he caught it in one hand and said "Brooms are made for sweeping, not bludgeoning friends!" he admonished with a smile.'
Another section you thought you can get away with :D
'"What if... Wiseman has also returned?!" asked Michiru.'
Watch the '?!' stuff. I don't think it's proper. And you can always add stuff to make it clear she's shocked.
"What if... Wiseman has also returned?" Michiru asked, clearly shocked.
Or something like that.
There are still more sections that need looking over.
You might want to explain what a 'Moonlight Masamune' is. I'm in the dark here ^-^;
Aaaaand I'm done with the crit stuff.
For a first part, you've done well! Like I told Mike, I'm not one for fanfics, but the odd one does grab my attention, like this. You started off with some character developement, and got right into the action at the end to act as a cliffhanger. I do suggest giving descriptions to the Senshi. As I tell other fanfic scribers, that generally, people who like Sailor Moon will read Sailor Moon fanfics, but there's always a chance that a none SM fan will fall upon it. If that does happen, you want to give descriptions of the characters. You don't have to do descrips. all at once, but spaced out will add length and depth to the characters as you go on.
Anyway, I shall wrap up this HUGE comment type-thingy. On to part 2!
Okay this guy's in a lot of trouble and I can't wait to see what's gonna happen next, unfortunately I have to come back to pt 2 another time.. This is seat gripping stuff... Keep up the good writes!
Sorry I didn't comment on your story earlier but here I am. Okay, in the 8th par. the word is appraisal. I'm not sure if it is correct or not, I just thought it looked funny. Then in a few par. down, the word is secrecy. Again not sure but it looked funny. Then at the end of the same sen. you need a comma before someone speaks. In the par, after that, the word is, 'what is impromptu, Alex' sorry, I watch Jeopardy. Again not sure but looked funny. That's all I found but if I find anything else another time, I'll let you know. Other than that, this story would have been a great start to a book. One to the part 2. Talk to you later.
~Alma H.
ooh, interesting. I like it very much. I agree with Tony, you should put this on your page so everyone can enjoy such a piece.On to reading pt2. Awesome
Welcome !
