Earth's Petition
by
Angela Toshner
(Age: 18)
copyright 01-18-2006
Age Rating: 10 to 127
The sun has risen once again,
But shall it fall to untimly end?
This sky so blue
Seems not it could
Just be a fixation of our imagination.
That soon that sky shall become grey
The sun shall not return.
For people's own self emmisions,
Are creating a place for the earth's petitions.
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If I have correctly interpreted what it is you are trying to say here, then there are some problems.
I think what you are saying is: Here's a new day , but will there always be new days? The blue sky suggests there could be but that might be just an illusion, because pollution is killing it/ending it.
Let's get the typos out of the way. 'Untimely'; 'emissions' (from the verb 'emit').
As I tried to parse the middle part of the poem I came to think you were trying to say:
'to untimly end?
[with] This sky [being] so blue
[it] Seems not[. But] it could
Just be a '
If that's right then it really is expecting a lot of your readers to decipher it.
Did you mean 'figment of our imagination' which is the usual phrase?
In the next passage, in the phrase 'That soon that sky' you should drop the first 'that' because with it in this is not a sentence.
In the phrase 'people's own self emmisions' you should replace 'self' because if the emissions are their own then they are 'self-emissions' (unless you're hinting at gas, BO, etc. LOL)
The last sentence leaves me with questions (not in the good sense, but rather in the sense of Huh?). What place? The no-longer-blue sky?
It is not clear. And what is/are the earth's petition/s? Up to this point, the actors in our drama have been: the sun, the blue-sky, humans. We have not had even a hint of the earth as a character until this very last point. I can't figure out what the earth's petition is because I have no idea what its feelings in the matter might be (in the context of this poem). Externally to the poem I might choose to think that the earth's petition is first of all to humans and that it is that they stop polluting. But I don't think I'd be able to justify that from the poem as it now stands.
I would like to talk with you more about this poem but by email.
This is a good start (despite what I've said) and shows promise.
Welcome !
