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Today, I threw away my wishes. I found them, hanging on the handle of my closet door that refuses to close, hidden behind the purses as I was cleaning out my room. There are so many of them, most of which I don't remember, all of which, most likely unfullfilled.
I gathered them together in sixth, seventh, and eigth grade. Soda can tops, all popped off with eyes closed and unspoken whispers in the mind making wishes never said out loud. I took them home, stringing them together on a plaid pull tie from one of my old pajama bottoms, counting them as they grew from one, to more than 200. When no more could possibly fit, I probably hooked them on my closet handle, hoping to never forget them, hoping they'd never go away.
But nearly four, maybe five years later, I find my necklace, tucked away, probably seen but never noticed (shows how long it's been since I've removed the purses from that handle), and I look at them with a newfound curiosity at my own old desperate supersitition. A belief that if I had something to hold in my hand, something solid, it might cause those ephemeral dreams to solidify themselves, and perhaps even come true.
I wonder if any of them stand for the desperate aches I felt to die, to live, to do something other than suffer in the hormonal imbalance that is youth. I wonder if any of them have been granted. I play with each one, thrumbing my finger over all my forgotten wishes of the days gone by. Realize that what once was so important--"please let me keep my friends forever", "let me become an actor" "let me get those big goth boots"--now have absolutely no meaning nor foothold in my modern life, other than to provide a sickening nostalgia to the foolishness I once possessed.
("Please let Misty love me." "Please don't let her date Kenan." "Please let me get the part of Lucy." "Please make my parents love me." "Please don't let me be alone anymore...")
All my prayers were never answered when I made them, because they had been granted long before. Things were as they were meant to be, and I could have been happy, had I not been making so many wishes for what I didn't have.
So today I held my unfilled wishes in my hand, and with a little smile, I finally let them go.
(This is a comment left to me on myspace that I wanted to share with all of you. It's an intrical part, at least to me, of the memories and wishes those tabs stood for. Some of it has been cut out, but it was left by my friend Miranda, and reading it nearly brings me to tears. This is proof that sometimes you're too busy wishing, to realize your wishes were already granted.)
You know what? I remember all of that. I used to save the tabs for you. You'd take the string from around your neck and put them on, but only when it was more than a couple at a time... Misty did love you at some point, I know. Maybe the best love she had for you was as a friend though...[and] while I was there you never should have been alone...
You know, to this day, when I see one of those things, I want to save it for you but I knew you wouldn't still collect them. Still it's a good nostalgic moment to think about that string... in my mind. Congrats on letting go.
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