Torn
by
Jack Curson
(Age: 33)
copyright 02-21-2006
Age Rating: 7 to 127
Beautifully boundless this chasm of life gives
Two born for the pleasure of His Most High.
Listless are the ways adoration shines upon these lovers,
Souls mated from this time to the next.
Fevers pitch devotion to burn within life’s candle;
Roaring fires are never quenched.
His breathe races with each step bound for the willingness of her arms.
Frantically his soul reaches beyond the confines of this physical prison;
Pulling at most cherished memories;
Separated, distant, drifting…
An epoch grasp on ones being has ended,
His tears are rampant, remorseful in moments of solace.
What becomes of love torn before life and death?
Will ones love behold the coetaneous of another?
Withering, life seems inconsolable for such a soul to embark,
Love stranded; Hope sees no end to a pain quenched only by her;
Existence so it seems becomes nothingness,
Misplaced is the key that opens the door to his heart!
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you recommend or rate the work highly...
I saw no interruption of flow or thought, although I find many writers pay attention to Microsoft word, which seems to detest people writing in the first person. I often use the words, I, or me, but of course, I don't mean I or me at all. Merely being poetic. Very sad and penetrating piece of work, I enjoyed it very much. A little polish and it would be a five for sure.
Now your point of view does not shift. It remains constant and the sentences match the sentiments expressed. I think you meant breath instead of breathe. It is an eloquent piece and very melodic. The fluidity is now uninterrupted and this lends to its imagery, which comes bursting forth with power and grace. Great write!
Points of views are shifting here, from first person to third person. You must stick with one of them. There are some grammar issues with this piece. The imagery is very sublime and you've chose some beautiful words to compliment this piece. Fluidity is not as smooth as it should be and this is due to grammar.