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Butterflies
by Veera Das
copyright 02-20-2006


Age Rating: 4 to 127

  Butterflies
Picture Credits:

Against the blue-white dappled sky,
A movement of color caught my eye,
The dainty dance of a butterfly!

Alternate glimpses of amber and gold,
As gossamer wings glide open and hold,
Fluttering patterns dissolve and fold.

From dawn to dusk is a busy flight,
But where little one do you go at night,
When darkness takes you out of light?

Do you flutter about without a care,
In a secret world, I don't know where-
Flit over other rays, grace other air?

To where oh beautiful butterfly,
Do you go when you die-
Do you dissolve in rainbows of the sky?




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02-21-2006 James Shammas    

Now, with editing and re-working, the meter flutters nicely in what I think is an iambic pentameter. I can see the wings of the butterfly opening and closing rhythmically to the music of the poem.

Jim
02-20-2006 Brian Dickenson    

I think you have it about right.
Keep it up, and keep improving.
Brian.
02-20-2006 James Shammas    

This is pretty in the simple sensation of color it evokes for the reader. But I agree with David that the syntax and word choice somehow goes against the attempt at rhyming effectively.

Jim
02-20-2006 David Pekrul    

This is really good. You have painted word pictures and kept my attention.
However, I do think you need to work on the last two stanzas. The wonderful rhyming and rhythm somehow gets lost.
Visitor Reads: 229
Total Reads: 247
Comments: 4

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