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For anyone who's ever struggled,
For anyone who's ever hurt,
For anyone who's ever been through hardships...
This one is for you.
The drums of the high school marching band play off in the distance as I make my way out to grab the newspapers from the library drop box. The day is chilled, comfortable, as my mind sets into motion, thinking. Tomorrow stands to be a testament of my greatest acheivement since being born--tomorrow is my one year of sobriety.
I ponder what there is to be done that day in celebration. Perhaps get another tattoo? Another psychic reading? Something which can stand as a gift to myself, like the two sigils tattooed on each hip do. Both were received at the other two significant mile stones of my recovery. My three month clean, and then my six month. They remind me every day I look at myself why I'm making this journey. Both are signs of my gods and my perfections which I believe in so strongly, it makes me want to weep. One is the sign of death, which comes to us all at some point, the other the sign of true and ultimate judgement, which I submit myself to rightfully receive, in hopes of needing no mercy. After death, I wish to stare judgement in the eye and have him smile, tell me "You did good" and send me on.
I want to receive the punishment for my crimes. I want to receive the reward for my good.
I'm not sure what else I could add. They do need to be touched up, but that's not a one year marking, I feel. Maybe to get a shading of white to the sides? Signifying purification of the soul? That sounds like a good idea...
...all I can really think about right now is the path that I'm fighting to go down. It's a hard fight, and there are many years to go. I still don't have the full of my mental capacity back, and sometimes I fear I never will. I stutter at the most horrid of moments, I struggle to form full sentences, and I fight to keep my attention on something. Memories still pop up and plague me with the idiotic things I've done, leaving me breathless and almost disembodied....the horror and humiliation literally renders me, for a few moments, unable to even move to twitch. I tune out of the world around me, stuck in the horrible rythm of my own taunting voice, struggling to bury my face in my hands, to disappear, to do SOMETHING other than live. I'm just now learning to love myself again, even though I've gained back all the weight plus more from before I had been a tweaker. I'm learning that I'm beautiful, no matter what size I am (screw the media).
I'm still learning how to be comfortable around all the people I talk to.
Methamphetamine played such an integral part in my growing. I realized just how low it was possible for me to sink. The depravity of which I was capable of. It showed me the baser side to humanity--gave me the unique perspective of life that I otherwise would have had to wait to get, or else never received at all. It helped me understand that not everyone in this world makes it, and the hardest job is stepping over the bodies of your friend's who don't. It taught me humility, mortality, and gave me a faith so strongly in that One, Ultimate Creator of Everything...Nirvana, if you will, that we will all return to at some time. I survived through overdoses, car chases, and managed to never get injured, raped, arrested, or hurt by anyone, despite some of the audacious things I did. It made me believe, without a doubt, in the two beings I consider to be my guardian angels and patron gods, and let me know that there really is something looking out for me.
And even more than that, I finally understood what my father meant when he told me that some people go through life, careless of the people they hurt and toss aside. That was me.
That was me.
It taught me to ultimately forgive myself. It let me display the strength that I have inside. It drew out the lines of how every being in this world, whether here or across the globe, is affected fully by the actions of one, and taught me of my own ultimate innocence.
I learned, because of my addiction and the struggle for recovery, that we CAN change. That our ultimate nature really IS pure.
And I learned that it takes a lot of doing the bad things, to really see what the good things are.
For once, I'm okay outside of a relationship. And I'm okay with myself.
Because tomorrow is the most important day I will have ever faced. Tomorrow I will be drug free for one year.
Tomorrow, I will stand a step higher than I do today. Because tomorrow...tomorrow is the anniversary of the day I stood before myself in the mirror and said "No more." It is my birthday, in that one year ago, I forced myself out of the womb of my addiction, and stood naked and lost in the world of sobriety.
Happy anniversary.
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