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I enjoyed this poem. It has a dark, sinister underlying tone, and a slightly cheerful melody to me. The tempo of the poem picks up, and it kind of carries you the the last stanza, where your sort of abruptly dropped from the tempo. It made me go back and re-read it.
hi brittney
again i like the use of the genre of nursery rhyme. this is a nice twist.
i like the question and answer in the first stanza.also interesting is the way your pick up on the use of color and turn that into a repetitive motif. also interesting to move to the sugar bowl. it's a real life situation, from sugar to sugar bowl. i only wish the music of the first line, "you've killed me" from the last stanza flowed better.
a simple and strong verse.
barbara
This reminds me of when in elementary school, the fad was taking the normal 'roses are red' poem and changing it to insult someone, or add deeper affection. But this-- this takes the cake!
I'm not sure if it's a typo or not:
Very first line. Is it 'Rose,' or 'Roses?'
Also, the 'bowl' thing.
The flow was good. I pretty much ditto Frank's comment about the strong opposites. Opposition in literature and poetry in general definitly adds a powerful punch, which you've done here.
I like the contrasts and associative values that you've woven into this piece while placing them against opposites. Sweet against bitter, strong against weak, etc. You bring the reader into the words and make him/her feel what you're expressing. That's a so difficult thing to do. The last stanza isn't as strong as it could be, when seen as the ending and compared to the others. Walt and I agree. Or I agree with Walt. Yes, that's better. ^^
A strong voice playing, yet image placed in view to express emotion, strong presentation, a special understanding for someone so young, well crafted, enjoyed.. Walt
this is very deep. did someone hurt you? broke your heart? the heart may burn or it may freeze, but soon you will get over the torment of what that person has done to you.
As with David's comment, it's a magnificent turn on the typical, soppy "Red Roses" poem, but if I'm correct, "sugar bowls empty" should be "sugar bowl's empty" or "sugar bowl is."
You might want to change that before the "Dark Poetry!" contest is judged.
So sd, but so beautiful, you epressed your sadness in mrvelous way, without hatred, withut revenge. As someone who understands and forgives.
Your poem had a good muical Rhythm. The first rule of poetry in my humble opinion is: a poe must have rhythm above everything else, but not wthout everything else. Good rhymes and good punctuation~where nedded and only where needed~
Welcome !
