AKANE'S SONG (Ranma 1/2)
by
Tabitha Beaudin
(Age: 30)
copyright 05-28-2006 Contest Winner
Age Rating: 13 to 127
Here in this darkness, I have found the one. A heart that is torn will bleed till the end. You say it doesn't matter this change in me. How can you still love me, when all I touch crumbles.
As long as were together this love will never end. I want to love you but I am afraid. If you saw the real me would you stay or would you fade away.
Through these visions I see this blackness waiting for me and you, you won't understand how hard this is for me to just walk away. But if you knew the truth what would you do. Now this I promise as long as were
together this love will never end.
I want to love you but I am afraid. if you saw the real me would you stay or would you fade away.
Hold me tonight pretend its all the same. I want to love you without you I can't go on. Don't leave me behind, please say you will stay, say it one last time. Tell me I am the only one, that as long as were together this love will never end.
I want to love you but i am afraid. If you saw the real me would you stay or would you fade away? Oh, would you fade away? I feel this blackness closing in. You're fading again.
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Girl, I hear ya. Your words are so sad yet isn't love supposed to be happy? Well, love is a complicated thing, quite too complicated actually. Even the wisest philosopher could not crack the code on love. Will we always go about like this, wandering aimlessly in a world full of confusion? Will there ever be a truth to life and all its secrets? Who knows? Maybe no one will ever know.
This is lovely. I think one of the great things about it is that there is a mystery for the reader to try to solve.
You know me; picky, picky, picky. I think in the two instances of the phrase 'as long as were together' you should have 'we're'. In the last couple of stanzas you have not capitalized 'I' and 'If' [once]. I don't think this was a stylistic choice on your part so I mention it. As well, in the last couple of stanzas you have several run-on sentences where it would help the reader to have commas or periods.
Even with my quibbles this is worth 4 out of 5.
I am being frustrated by the automatic formatting of centring for poems and left-justification for stories and I don't know enough about HTML to override this. The format here is fine as it is, even adds a bit of drama.
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