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Untitled.....
by Tabitha Beaudin (Age: 30)
copyright 04-18-2006


Age Rating: 16 to 127

 
Its cold here without you I don't know how much more I can stand. I am tired of pretending, you don't love me the way I need you too, and there's nothing I can do. I've watched you as you lay naked in my bed. Asleep and tangled in the sheets. you looked so peaceful so I never woke you. I never told you that I loved you.

What is wrong with me have I gone to far, Will these bounds that bind you break apart.. Is it all the same, will you play this game. Will you take the blame or must I crawl. So tell me what's wrong with me, to make you leave.

I wonder if you know just how far I would go. I just don't' understand you. Are you scared yet? Scared of me. I know I am. I am terrified really. Still I'll take this fall and fade as it falls to hell. Is this the end the end of all my fears the end of everything. Are you for real or just another illusion sent to tempt me. You say you won't hurt me but how am I suppose to believe when all I've is this fear. Have you awaken yet succumb to my suggestions. Close your eyes it will only take a second. I will find a way to keep you. I will find a way to make you stay.

What is wrong with me have I gone to far. Will this bounds that bind you break apart. Is it all the same, will you play this game. Will you take the blame or must i crawl. So tell me what's wrong with me to make you leave.


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05-04-2006 Geoff Ewing    

Hi Tabitha,

I niggle [which seems to be my biggest obsession] but:
In essence, (a) you need to check when you use 'to' and 'too' and (b) I don't think question marks hurt but realise that you might have used periods for other purposes.
In stanza 1 'I need you too' should be 'I need you to'; and 'sheets. you' would be better as 'sheets you' [i.e. drop the period];
in stanza 2 'me have I gone to far,' should be 'me? Have I gone too far?'; 'Will these bounds that bind ' could possibly be 'Will these bonds that bind'; 'break apart..' replace the double stop with a queston mark or add a stop and make it elipsis; 'this game.' should possibly be 'this game?'; 'must I crawl.' question mark again;
in stanza 3 'don't' understand' should be 'don't understand'; question marks; 'when all I've is' should be 'when all I have is';
in stanza 4 question marks; 'gone to far. Will this bounds' should possibly be 'gone too far? Will these bonds';'must i crawl.' should possibly be 'must I crawl?'.

I hope you don't mind my pointing these things out or making these sorts of suggestions. I find with my own work that I get too close to it to see the obvious {or what is obvious to an objective reader coming to it afresh).

You have run together some sentences but I think this adds to the atmosphere/ambience/mind-set of the narrator.

This is a weighty poem and deserves another pass.

Geoff Ewing
Visitor Reads: 319
Total Reads: 341
Comments: 1

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