Unshed Tears
by
Haley R.
(Age: 14)
copyright 03-20-2006
Age Rating: 4 to 127
You were my sun, you were my rain.
But since you’ve left I’ve gone insane.
Things seem to have lost their color.
Life’s just getting duller and duller.
I’d cry but no one would care,
‘Cause no one is ever there.
You used to be always around,
But since you left my world’s come crashing down.
I took a shot at life and didn’t come close at all,
Now all I can do is watch myself slowly fall,
Down to the river, and up through the streams.
Happiness only seemed to happen in my furthest dreams.
You kept me close, you sought me through,
But now it’s like you have better things to do.
You left me here, you put me aside.
And now I’m lost, and you can’t offer me a ride.
Things are different without you near.
Nobody’s there, nobody’s here.
‘Cause nobody cares, nobody will.
And I can’t see you again until-
I leave here too,
But I’m too busy thinking of you.
You won’t leave my mind,
And yet it’s impossible to find-
True salvation, true love.
But it’s only there up above-
Where you are and where you'll stay.
Your duties will His welcome pay.
Now there’s no one to listen when I call;
No one to catch me when I fall;
No one to lead me through my fears;
No one to wipe my unshed tears.
There’s no one to soothe my unfelt sorrow.
I'll barely make it through tomorrow-
Without you, no one is there to give me love.
My one true love is up above.
You’ve left me forever, or so it seems.
Now I can only see you in my wildest dreams.
I can still here your laugh, your unheard call…
The unshed tears have yet to fall.
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I couldn't pick...I couldn't pick between this, and Broken Glass... Thanks for entering my contest Darkness & Fear! This poem was really great, and I loved it so much... I give you second, even though I'm giving you five praise points on this piece, and 100 hundred normal points. Same as the winner gets. :)
Some of your phrases blow me away, and some of them really inspire. As I first read, i felt some rhymes were forced and that reading it was awkward. But as you got into the poem and it seemed to flow a lot smoother, it went from ok to not bad to pretty good by the end. I agree with the others, with a little bit of touching up, this isn't that far off from what I would call great. Good job, and ESPECIALLY so for someone of your tender years! I wish I had your talent when I was that young... imagine what I'd be writing today!
Argh?!!! I never commented on this?? I thought I did! Hmmm, my mind has been dull these past days...
That was simply SUPERB!!! It almost made me cry! Well, not really. It takes a lot to make me cry, so that isn't a very practical statement, but you know what I mean! Haley, this poem is WONDERFUL! I love it! You never showed much interest in poetry in sixth grade, so I'm bowled over! I haven't read such great poetry since... alright, let's not go there...
You know, this poem somehow reminded me of a short poem by Edgar Allan Poe. "Deep in earth, my love is lying, and I must weep alone." Yes, that is actually a poem. But you know what they say! The more words, the less meaning to them. :D I think that pretty much sums up the central theme of this poem. Great job, Haley!!!
This is a poem that blows one off their feet.
You sadness, confusion and unknowing rings loud and clear.Im no sure of the circumstances but i feel someone has died in your life.Someone that was very close to you.And I know Haley people always say " oh I know how you feel" and your thinking oh my god you don't.I not hear to say I know how you feel. Because everyone is different.
But what I am going to say is I can relate to your words in two aspects. As a young girl of ten who lost her mother to cancer. And as a 24yr old woman who lost the love of her life and father of her children to a heartattack.at 23.
So thankyou, I found comfort in your words
Wow, this is a beautiful piece of work. I couldn't put it in better words. The meaning is clear and most of all the meaning is sometime the hardest part to get across. Keep up the good work and you'll become a pro in no time at all. Just remember if you fall get up and try, try again. very beautiful ^.^
I think you've done a good job on this. I do agree with Mike, that it could be polished somewhat, so read it over, try to smooth it out a bit. I think you have a lot of potential. Wow, only 12 years old and writing stuff like this! Imagine what you'll write after a few more years of life-experience.
A nice job, Haley. You made everything rhyme with good word choices and good descriptions along the way. However, I agree with Mike on the point that it seems to be a rough draft. On the other hand, it is quite a good one, so do not feel bad. What else to comment about?
Another aspect of the poem I like is the mental imagery your words convey to the reader. Rather than suddenly dropping the reader into a black pit of despair, you give the sense everything good is slowly slipping away and going over a waterfall of some sort. I feel that kind of sadness is more poignant than the "Black Hole of Doom" variety, though both forms are certainly valid and worthy of expression. Good job on this poem!
Wow... This was as wonderful! Sorry for not commenting sooner, I was in PA as I said in chat... This was a truly dark and inspiring poem. I always reading poems like these. It's revolutionary work here. If only that one contest of mine was still going... I knew you were good at writing dark poems but this...wow... It's one of my favorite poems on PnP, I'll be sure to mention this on my writer's profile! Aside from a few grammar errors and the extra bit of punctuation, it's perfect in the grammar and spelling department. Also, personally I like the raw and spur-of-the-moment writing style you took on for this. As if you came up with in in one sitting and it came right off the top of your head. I really like the ending too. The view is similar to that of Cea Mizurakie, the main character of my book Past Alive that I'm always chattering about. Since she never cries it's rather fitting. Even thought e other side of the relationship is so complex I won't even go there. It also kinda reminds me of the way I act, I never cry. I haven't in so long I can hardly remember the last time I even shed a tear. This was very dark and inspiring... Keep up the revolutionary work!
May the divine darkness be with you,
Leigh a fellow member of the Commenting Crusaders
You've got more potential in this piece than I expected for someone your age. The meaning is clear and some of your choice of words are very nice. However, this is clearly what I'd classify as a first draft. Rhymed poetry can be difficult because an amateur poet's impulse is primarily to find two words that rhyme between two lines. There's more to it than that; rhythm and pacing are also key to making a steady flowing rhymed piece.
I would start by worrying about the structure first (how many stanzas, how many verses, how many lines, how many syllables per line, and all that), and write the poem as best I could within that parameter, and then adjust it all as I wrote it to fit rhymes where appropriate.
Also, don't write poetry when you're overwhelmed with emotion. If you have to, don't try to publish it professionally, at least. If something affects you in a tremendous way, don't write about it then and there; Recover first, and then reflect on it, and THEN write about it. That way you can better judge how well you're doing.
Above all, practice, practice, practice. Keep writing, keep reading the works of others, good and bad, and look for ways to compare and contrast your own work. If you keep this up and keep an open mind and willingness to learn, you'll come to develop your own voice as a poet and no doubt become exceptional in this field of writing. But it takes time. Keep at it!
Welcome !
