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On Line
Jimmie Savell
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1 Members
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A note to one's lost love.
by Tori Lang
copyright 04-10-2006


Age Rating: 13 to 127

 
Isn't life such a bizarre thing, my love
How one day your canvas is complete.
The white picket fence and garden beds.
The sound of children's laughter
spilling out into the yard
and
escaping
down
the
street.
Days of laughter, nights of passion
once thought invincible with such ignorance.
And although the fence still stands
in all its pride
and the children's laughter still remains.
Your absence is harrowingly obvious, my love
hanging low like cob webs.
The sun that drenches the balcony
has not warmed my feet in days.
As it did for so many.When you were here and it warmed yours too.
The oils on the canvas are not yet dry
and already the picture they paint
resembles a time gone by.
a foregoing era,a different life.
A chapter I cannot accept is over.
when I am still so much within it.


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Comments on this Article/Poem:
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05-20-2006 Geoff Ewing    

I find this poem so evocative I am awe-struck. First I literally smiled at the joy expressed in it and then was so saddened.
The line 'once thought invincible with such ignorance' spoke volumes to me.

The only suggestions I would make are to drop the period after 'my feet in days' (line 19), change 'As' to 'as' and replace 'so many.When' with 'so many when' (line 20). So it makes a long sentence. So what? Some sentences, some ideas need to be long and I feel this thought should not be split so that it can have its full effect. There are a few other places where I think you could drop a period or replace it with a semi-colon, but that's just me.

I hope you continue to share these insights and moments with us here.
Geoff Ewing
04-18-2006 Judy Meeker    

Your poem reminded me that life is like chapters. When one chapter has been read, we must go on to the next. the pages are turning, and must keep turning.
God bless,
Mrs. Tigran Israelyan
04-14-2006 David Pekrul    

Nice flow, easy to read, very poetic. I like the way you have written
"and
escaping
down
the
street." as if even the words themselves were trying to get away from you.
Nicely done.
Visitor Reads: 248
Total Reads: 256
Comments: 3

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