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Berta K.
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Loon A C (Two)
by Richard Reed Jr
copyright 04-11-2006


Age Rating: 7 to 127

 
...............1...............

i told him
smoking wasn't permitted
here
he kept on talking anyway

i felt hungry
excused myself
and went to the bathroom

i washed my hands
of him
when i returned to the table
he had left
five dollars for his drink
we were strangers anyway

i ordered the swordfish
but i chewed the waiter
he had forgotten the sword
fish
and had brought me hali but
instead
of eating here
i went next-door

where i was seated
on a chair with wobbly legs
like the waitress
when she walked
up to my table

then as she was writing
down my order
i saw her dirty fingernails

suddenly

my appetite

left

and so
did
i


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04-26-2006 Regina Pate    

I want to paint you picture with a thousand words, no more no less, a picture is worth, Regina Pate ate the heal of a loaf of bread, and now she has, more or less, a scar around her head, I cannot finish my picture for there are far too many words left unsaid, so I leave this memory unfinished, for now but remember me, I beg, Great write, good job, thanks

Gina


04-22-2006 Judy Meeker    

This is excellent! I cannot find words to describe how amazing I found this write to be. You are a true poet.
Judy Israelyan


04-16-2006 Mary -BrytEyz- Ball    

Chewed the waiter instead... You have me rolling here! LOL. So, tell me, is there any rhyme or reason to these (as in rules, or such that you had to abide by ... like some "form" of poetry I am unaware of?) Just wondering. I love learning about new "forms" of poetry and then trying my hand at them. Otherwise... thanks for sharing!


04-16-2006 Jean George    

An excellent exercise in the use of white space to create interest and provoke thought. You also have some very interesting ideas expressed here...I am very pleased that you are stretching and exercising your writing skills instead of just writing the formulaic stuff that seems to be so popular here now. There are so many wonderful things and ideas in the world and so many different ways to write about them poetically, glad you are doing it!
....you are easier to understand than Cummings although he too enjoyed playng with words.


04-14-2006 Mehrina B.    

Wonderful! I loved the way some words and phrases fit into the first part of a sentence to make it sound one way, but fit into the second part to make it sound another way! Brilliant! I have to admit, this does remind me of Cummings. Argh, I can never understand his works, especially Balloon Man. I just can't understand it! So I'm happy that you wrote something with the same sense of humor and managed to make it clear! Great job!


04-14-2006 David Pekrul    

I felt that each of these pieces was the start of a very good story. Rather than leave this as form of poetry, I suggest taking each piece separately and developing them. There is a lot of imagination here and interesting word usage. I would be interested to see what kinds of stories develop.


04-13-2006 Leigh G.    

It's...okay. It's funny and all, but the grammar... You remind me of Cummings, and how non-serious and ridiculous he can be from the little I've been able to read in secret. Well, this was an overall okay poem. It's funny, bit the lack of capital letters and loss of regard for the grammar kinda threw me off. Keep writing... And exactly what's wrong with dirty fingernails?

May the divine darkness be with you,
Leigh of the Commenting Crusaders


04-13-2006 Debra Rose    

You use such description in this, and it's wonderful. DEFINITLY reminded me of Cummings and Stein. This was an amusing, but definitly deep work. I thought the part about the "I ordered the sword fish but chewed the waiter instead," defintily had me amused. I ADORED that part! You have a gift with words!


04-12-2006 Daniel R Patton    

I must say, a WOBBLY legged waitress had me laughing. Dirty fingernails...puking it's gonna be awhile before Dan goes out for dinner. The mouse thing, cosmic mice, now that original.
This is good stuff a little hard to keep up with, but hey it's probably just me right?


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