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On Line
Eric Gasparich
1 Writers

0 Free Members

1 Members
27 Guests

From Where I Stand
by Daniel R Patton (Age: 43)
copyright 04-24-2006


Age Rating: 10 to 127

 
I weary easily these days,
My mind's unclear as if in a haze,
My hands are more shaky,
My bones often achy,
My steps aren't so graceful,
Some memories . . . remorseful,
I've grown less able,
For, I've grown more feeble,
I've reach the top of life's stairs,
And now, turning back,
I look down, to my first few steps,

I notice, where I've paused,
On my way to the top,
I see bare spots,
At each and every stop,
Worn down with time,
And fading as I,
Yet, these bare spots,
Will linger in mind,
Til the day I die,

For these are the times,
I surly new, I'd tumble back down,
Personal struggles, the loss of loved ones,
Just a few black jewels in my crown,
And, still yet, I have to smile,
For the Lords pulled me through,
Each and every trial,
And, if not for the time spent there,
I'd probably never made it here,
-Here atop the very last stair.


AND GOD KNOWS--IT'S SMOOTH SAIL-N FROM HERE!











ETHAN CODY(DED)


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04-26-2006 David Pekrul    

You have expressed great sentiment here and this writing has much potential.
On the writing side, however, I find many problems. You have started out rhyming every two lines, then in the second stanza the rhyming style changes or disappears altogether. Sometimes it is hard to bring about the flavour of the poem and still make it rhyme and flow; in this case it may be better to make it a non-rhyming poem. I think this may be the case here.
You also have a few typos or spelling errors to fix.
Don't mean to be so hard on you, as I really do like your writing and your subject matter.
Visitor Reads: 271
Total Reads: 275
Comments: 1

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