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Music Is Me
by
Alma H.
(Age: 15)
copyright 05-08-2006
Age Rating: 4 to 127
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Picture Credits:
The curtains closed,
people cheering,
kids breathing hard,
waiting to play again.
Everybody's anxious,
waiting for the curtain to open.
Some shift in their seats,
others stand and walk around.
I stand and wait,
with sweat and tears.
I wait for the curtain to open, waiting for my chance to express myself.
The curtain opens,
I freaked out, worried of what to do.
I drop my instrument,
making noise through the quiet stage.
The director steps up,
looking at me.
I pick up my instrument,
while everybody watched.
Everybody waits,
for me and the director,
waiting to show their own expressions,
waiting to play what we learned.
The audience hushes,
babies crying, people coughing, chairs squeaking.
The director lifts her arms,
I stand and wait.
The director sets the beat,
trumpets playing first,
soon everybody gets into unison and harmony,
moving their hands and fingers to the notes on the page in front of them.
Next thing you know,
everything goes quiet,
audience applauds.
Everybody stands and we walk off.
I won't tell you how we did,
I can't really tell,
all I can say is that was played together,
and the music is in me.
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Comments on this Article/Poem:
Click on the commenter's name to see their Author's Page
04-08-2008 Kelley Appleby
woow, good write here, Alma. I'm impressed, I actually felt myself tensing up for you! That is is a good sign you're effectively conveying mood!! ^^
Click edit work and fix the other suggestions for improvement... and there is one sentence that has a different verb tense, (I know you are recalling a past event, but everything else is writen as if it is now happening.)
I freaked out, worried of what to do.
Could be: I freak out, worry of what to do...
You'll just have to play with it a bit. But, this is otherwise, very nice.
(so, you have other interests, too, I see!!) LOL!
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05-14-2007 Leigh G.
Haha! I can't really relate to this, party because I don't play any musical instruments, and even though I enjoy signing I'm happy only writing songs now and then and submitting them to PnP. I liked this piece, and a lot of people can relate to this sort of situation. I didn't spot any errors myself, and I see that the others have corrected a few other things. Arg, I'm terrible at commenting on pieces I can't relate to in the slightest... Anyway, good structure and format on this piece! Keep writing!
Leigh of the Commenting Community
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08-08-2006 Haley R.
Oh! I had an experience just like that a few days ago! I was in a concert a few days ago for camp, boy I panicked. But things turned out good in the end, and I hope the same happened for you, now for the poem. *sorry, I've been a little distracted*
It was a nice poem that I could really relate to. I hate when it gets silent whenever something happens on stage, like during my concert, I couldn't find the right clothes so I had to go on stage in all white when everyone else was in all black.
I think how in the poem, you don't necissarily talk about how you played, but what the experience was like. I also like the last part when you say, "The music is in me"
It proved that you enjoy playing music, no matter how you sounded.
I enjoyed this poem a lot! Great Job!
~haley, the commenting crusader.
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06-30-2006 Kimberly Murphy
I've been in chorus and in band. I can relate. One minute I'm singing the next I have to play a instrument. lol Wonderful write!!! Keep it up!!
Kim
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05-30-2006 Jordan Screws
Having never played music in a concert and learned the rudiments of piano playing, I cannot relate to the performance anxiety in this poem, but I can analyze it from a writer's point of view! The "calm before the storm" mood permeates the poem, but it gives an idea of what it is like to wait to perform on a stage. Extending the weather metaphor a bit, you compare the concert itself to the eye of a hurricane, the focal point being calm but the area outside of it being in turmoil. The poem as a whole is well-done: I can find no spelling mistakes and the flow is sufficient for the topic, but a couple of commas that are not needed exist. Here are examples I found:
"I picked up my instrument, while everybody watched"
"Everybody waits, for me and the director..."
One thing I wanted to see more of was how YOU felt. I am aware that this is about a concert, which is a team effort, but the work would be a little stronger if you included a little more about yourself. Other than the grammar mistakes and leaving out more descriptions of how you felt, this poem is pretty good. Keep up the good work!
Jordan of the Commenting Crusaders
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05-13-2006 David Pekrul
I played a trumpet for many years and can really relate to this. Sometimes the song goes by in a blur and you can't even remember how you played the piece, isn't that right?
Good job and keep making music.
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