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Window of My Mind

by BJ Niktabe (Age: 56)
copyright 05-22-2006


Age Rating: 13 +
Window of My Mind
Picture Credits: http://www.graphics-by-gunslinger.com/iraq1.htm


Through the window of my mind
I look into the past
To what we had in days gone by
True love I thought would last

The things we shared I can't forget
Our walks along the shore
The visions of a future shared
I can't help wanting more

You held my hand and kissed my lips
Gently caressed my face
Your eyes ablaze, you softly smiled...
Things time cannot erase

You promised me the world back then
You said we'd stay together
I stood inside your warm embrace
As you told me forever

We made our plans and never strayed
Our future looked so bright
A baby made our lives complete
Things just seemed so right

But when the cause arose for war
You had to go, I know
You tried to kiss my tears away
But couldn't stop the flow

The day you left and said goodbye
You told me to be strong
You said, "You know I have to go.
To stay would just be wrong."

So now you're coming back to me
They told me just today
I'll wear a black dress, cry for you
Oh, Babe, it's now too late

We'll never do the things we did
Take walks along the shore
See visions of a future shared
I know there is no more

Of what we had in days gone by
True love I thought would last
So through the window of my mind
I'll look into the past






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        08-02-2006     Lisa Harmon        

such a sad poem...beautiful but sad.The way you can put yourself in that position and make it so convincing is a really great thing.Although some say that they dont know what happens to him i think the verse
"so now you're coming back to me
they just told me today
i'll wear a black dress,cry for you
oh, babe, it's now too late"

is really the giveaway line.
anyway great write...hope to read more

        07-17-2006     Greg Kis        

B.... With the world the way it is, this poem is so relevant. If all the people in the world could really understand these emotions the world would be a better place. Greg Kis

        07-02-2006     Kimberly Murphy        

Aww.Sad but beautiful. Excellent write!!!!!!!! Truly excellent!!

Kim

        06-18-2006     Mary -BrytEyz- Ball        

But when the cause arose for war
You had to go, I know
You tried to kiss my tears away
But couldn't stop the flow

I REALLY like this stanza, though I like them all, this one really stands out. I've never lost a loved one to death... though I've lost friends... I know it's not the same. How grateful I am that I believe in the Bible's promise of paradise and the great resurrection!

You are an amazing writer and so often your words echo through my mind for the rest of the day or for many. This one was no exception!

        06-05-2006     Richard Reed Jr        

Hi Beatrice,

Please don't hate me. I just can't be satisfied.
Perhaps it's because I already know, but I think now you gave too much away.I think you want the reader to be able figure out you point, but not easily. This is my style of wring and It's darned difficult to be subtle with your points without giving away the farm, but nobody said writing was easy. If your poem is to include the reader, you must let him figure it out. He/she will feel good about that. I think you were on the right track, at first, but just hint, don't tell, K?

Happy writing,

Rich

        06-04-2006     BJ Niktabe        

Thank you Richard. Your comments, as well as your suggestions, are greatly appreciated. I was talking to my mom about this poem today, and she asked me if he died. So I just changed some of the lines, and I think it's more clear now.

And, thank goodness, it's not about me or anyone in my life, but there are so many out there right now who are living this nightmare. My heart goes out to them!

BJ

        06-04-2006     Richard Reed Jr        

Your voice comes through so loud and clear
as doubtful ghostly bells.

Beautiful words, well-arranged. The poet's grief is well and beautifully expressed.

My one nit-pick, please forgive. I didn't pick up
on the fact that he was passed away. Maybe it's just me, duh!

For what it's worth, I might have said something like this:

We'll do the things we used to do
Take walks along the shore
Still soul-mates of a future shared
That now can be no more

Of what we had in days gone by
True love I thought would last
So through the window of my mind
I'll look into the past

-don't know if that helps, hurts or offends-hope it helps-

If the voice is you,
I'm honored to have shared your life.

In any case, great write, thank you,

Rich

        05-30-2006     Elisabeth Hatheway        

Wow, this poem seems good enough to post on a Hallmark card! Maybe even better though, and I loved the way you mixed the rhyming of your words with a little narration. Very cute and also very sad depending on your perspective. Terrific job!



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