Comments on this Article/Poem:
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08-02-2006
Lisa Harmon
such a sad poem...beautiful but sad.The way you can put yourself in that position and make it so convincing is a really great thing.Although some say that they dont know what happens to him i think the verse
"so now you're coming back to me
they just told me today
i'll wear a black dress,cry for you
oh, babe, it's now too late"
is really the giveaway line.
anyway great write...hope to read more
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07-17-2006
Greg Kis
B.... With the world the way it is, this poem is so relevant. If all the people in the world could really understand these emotions the world would be a better place. Greg Kis
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07-02-2006
Kimberly Murphy
Aww.Sad but beautiful. Excellent write!!!!!!!! Truly excellent!!
Kim
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06-18-2006
Mary -BrytEyz- Ball
But when the cause arose for war
You had to go, I know
You tried to kiss my tears away
But couldn't stop the flow
I REALLY like this stanza, though I like them all, this one really stands out. I've never lost a loved one to death... though I've lost friends... I know it's not the same. How grateful I am that I believe in the Bible's promise of paradise and the great resurrection!
You are an amazing writer and so often your words echo through my mind for the rest of the day or for many. This one was no exception!
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06-05-2006
Richard Reed Jr
Hi Beatrice,
Please don't hate me. I just can't be satisfied.
Perhaps it's because I already know, but I think now you gave too much away.I think you want the reader to be able figure out you point, but not easily. This is my style of wring and It's darned difficult to be subtle with your points without giving away the farm, but nobody said writing was easy. If your poem is to include the reader, you must let him figure it out. He/she will feel good about that. I think you were on the right track, at first, but just hint, don't tell, K?
Happy writing,
Rich
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06-04-2006
BJ Niktabe
Thank you Richard. Your comments, as well as your suggestions, are greatly appreciated. I was talking to my mom about this poem today, and she asked me if he died. So I just changed some of the lines, and I think it's more clear now.
And, thank goodness, it's not about me or anyone in my life, but there are so many out there right now who are living this nightmare. My heart goes out to them!
BJ
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06-04-2006
Richard Reed Jr
Your voice comes through so loud and clear
as doubtful ghostly bells.
Beautiful words, well-arranged. The poet's grief is well and beautifully expressed.
My one nit-pick, please forgive. I didn't pick up
on the fact that he was passed away. Maybe it's just me, duh!
For what it's worth, I might have said something like this:
We'll do the things we used to do
Take walks along the shore
Still soul-mates of a future shared
That now can be no more
Of what we had in days gone by
True love I thought would last
So through the window of my mind
I'll look into the past
-don't know if that helps, hurts or offends-hope it helps-
If the voice is you,
I'm honored to have shared your life.
In any case, great write, thank you,
Rich
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05-30-2006
Elisabeth Hatheway
Wow, this poem seems good enough to post on a Hallmark card! Maybe even better though, and I loved the way you mixed the rhyming of your words with a little narration. Very cute and also very sad depending on your perspective. Terrific job!
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